Mary Sue at Hogwarts
by Lady LolaBert
Summary: FINISHED! Formerly posted as If Mary Sue Had a Pet Shaven Rat. Looking to poke fun at Mary Sues? Look no further! Join Alexi Winters, beautiful, athletic, funny, and did I mention beautiful? American witch who has come to Hogwarts to fight evil, discover
1. Chapter 1

This story was once posted many aeons ago under the title of "If Mary-Sue Had a Pet Shaven Rat" under the name SassyQ. Unfortunately, removed it again and again without much of an explanation. I've made some changes to what I believe they might have objected to, so I hope that this does not happen again. If it does, could some lovely person out there explain to me why this is the case?

Also, because this was written a few years ago, pop-culture references may be a little dated. Sorry!

Timeline: PostOotP, pre HBP. Remember that golden age of Harry Potter fandom wherein nobody had died yet and fanfic writers were free to focus solely on romances and other such fluff?

A/N: Well I'm back! This story is pretty much me parodying the existence of Mary-Sues in the Harry Potter fandom, but not strictly limited to the HP-verse. Does that make sense? No? Oh well, read on anyway!

Disclaimer: Anything you may recognise does not belong to me, but to their respective copyright holders whose names I can't be bothered to type.

"Welcome to the new year at Hogwarts!" Albus Dumbledore announced to the school at large, his arms outstretched in greeting.

WasOnceBoredReader: Welcome indeed. I was getting tired of watching Idol on TV. Glad to be back doing something.  
CynicalReader: Very much so. What hijinks are we going to be subjected to this year?  
BrainyReader: pulls out a large black dossier Our main character's name is Alexi Winters, 16 years old, female, beautiful beyond any description, Sla - .  
InterruptingReader: Woah! We don't want to give the whole plot away!  
BrainyReader: True. Continue with the story!

Harry Potter, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger were all very glad to be back at Hogwarts for another great year of studying magic. This would be their sixth year and for the purposes of this story, the events involving Voldemort and any development of characterization or relationships have now been purposely looked over in order to make room for the new character that is to be introduced into this fic. Harry glanced at the nervous first years awaiting their Sorting but his eyes were immediately pulled towards a girl around his age.

"Who is she?" he whispered to Ron, nudging him. Ron looked to where he indicated and let out a low, quiet whistle.

"Blimey! I have no idea but she's quite a looker!"

AnnoyedReader: And so it starts, the bad use of what the Author believes to be British colloquialisms. Kill me. Right now.

Harry flushed but continued to stare at the girl. Who was she? Where was she from? Hermione had noticed the two boys' whispered conversation and whispered to them from across the table "She must be an exchange student!"

AttentiveReader: Ah, good ol' reliable Hermione! Better than an Exposition Fairy.

As the first years slowly filed to the stool, the girl began to look bored and haughty, even daring to tap her foot impatiently onto the floor, creating a clear and loud _tap! tap! _throughout the Great Hall until Professor McGonagall gave her a reproving stare. Many students laughed at this, causing the girl to turn to face the students for the first time, for all they seen when she walked in was a curtain of hair around her head as she faced the floor, ignoring the students' stares. At that moment, Harry gasped at what he saw.

ObservantReader: Do people still even gasp nowadays? I don't think I've ever gasped in my entire life!  
ObsessiveReader: Then you my friend, have never been subjected to the sweet beauty that is Adam Brody. Ah, Adam, be mine forever!  
ObservantReader: Riiiight.

The girl had long, shiny, black, ebony hair that reached down to the small of her back and was highlighted with red. She had a small, lithe frame that was hidden by her black robes. From what Harry could see,

PickyReader: Wait, doesn't Harry wear glasses? How could he see such details and from such a distance?  
SmartReader: Shut up! Don't you realise this is just a way for the Author to describe the Mary-Su – ah, I mean – new _original_ character and to show that Harry definitely has the hots for her. It's like killing two birds with one stone!  
Author: I really don't like the way you put "original" into italics.

The girl had very tanned skin and her face held delicate features. But what really made Harry gasp were her eyes.

AllReaders: Here we go again!

They were the most startling hue of purple that seemed to jump right out of her face and enchant anyone that so dared to gaze into their gorgeous depths. At the moment, they twinkled mischievously as she hid a small smile with her hand and turned back obediently towards Professor McGonagall as her name was called up finally.

"Winters, Alexi"

Alexi strode confidently towards the stool but stopped when Professor Dumbledore stood up again.

"Pardon my rudeness, but it seems the festivities of tonight has befuddled my memory completely. Many of you may be wondering, I am sure, who exactly this young woman is. Her name, as you know by now is Alexi and Alexi is from America and didn't know she was a witch until very recently. It seemed that the wizarding school in her area didn't know of her existence and it was only by very fortunate luck that we found her and thereby gave her a place at our school. She will be taking classes, not with the first years as is expected to learn the basics, but with this year's sixth years as she already has quite an advanced understanding of another brand of magic. So will you please all welcome, Miss Alexi Winters!"

AllReaders: stare in complete shock  
PipeUpReader: That was the most blatant use of block exposition since … well since that other bad Mary-Sue fic a while back.  
FriendofPipeUpReader: You mean the one we read two minutes ago?  
PipeUpReader: Bingo.

The Hall sounded with many of the students putting their hands together for a polite applause. Alexi walked towards the stool again, this time managing to sit on it and place the hat on her head before anymore meddlesome wizards interrupted her.

SarcasticReader: Aha ha. Ha ha. The Author attempts to make a joke and fails. How sad, very, very sad.  
RetortReader: I think you're the sad one. At least the Author doesn't have a collection of Furbies!  
SarcasticReader: Shut up! Furbies are cool!

The Hall waited with baited breath as the hat made its mind that took what seemed like an eternity.

"GRYFFINDOR!" The hat finally yelled after 5 minutes of silence.

CynicalReader: collecting money from other Readers Okay, pay up, pay up. I can't believe some of you actually thought she'd be sorted into Slytherin! But I do have to give kudos for ThinkingReader to've bet on Sparklypoo.  
ThinkingReader: shrugs shoulders It was worth a shot.

The cheer was noticeably loudest at the Gryffindor where many had stood up. Harry let out a long breath, unaware that he's been holding it all that time.

AttentiveReader: Wow, five minutes. Isn't that like a world record or something? He should at least be dead by now, if not very blue and passed out.  
SmartReader: Shhh, it's another plothole. Or maybe just bad writing. Speaking of which, did you notice how many there were in Dumbledore's speech alone?  
CountingReader: I count, six.  
SmartReader: And that's not mentioning why Ron found Alexi pretty even though he hadn't seen her because she had her back faced towards them, and what about that other plothole where …

Please review and tell me if it's funny or not. If it isn't, please tell me why. If it is, please tell me why.


	2. Chapter 2

THIS IS NOT AN MST! Everything is by me, none of it has been copied and pasted!

A/N: I realise I have committed a terrible crime. I forgot to explain that this was actually supposed to be a parody. (And here I thought the fact that "Mary Sue" was in the title and that this was placed under the "Parody" category was enough) I know the usual American-witch-transfers-to-Hogwarts-and-has-super-mystical-powers-and-uses-those-super-mystical-powers-to-save-the-day-and-make-everyone-around-her-fall-madly-in-love-with-her story. And I'm tired of those badly written stories too. And this is my chance to poke fun at those stories. And the Reader comments are actually the different voices in my brain saying the things that I usually say when I read a Mary Sue story like this. Hope that clears everything up!

Disclaimer: Very important. The awesome JK Rowling deserves Harry and his good buddies.

Alexi made her way over to the Gryffindor table and found a convenient place right next to Harry, which was conveniently left free even though Harry and his friends were in the middle of the table.

"May I sit here?" Alexi said, indicating the seat next to Harry. Harry looked up and gulped. She was even more beautiful close up. He nodded. "S-sure". Hermione and Ron smirked to each other. They could already tell that Harry was smitten with this newcomer. Alexi sat down gracefully and Harry noted that her actions were smooth and agile, like a cat.

DisgustedReader: Argh, I would like to find a fic for once where the girl isn't "as graceful as a cat". Cats are gross, have you seen them spit up furballs? The most atrocious sight nature has to offer.

ObjectingReader: Oh, I don't know about that. Have you ever seen film footage of a cow giving birth – backwards?

DisgustedReader: Ew.

BrainyReader: In answer to your question, the Mary-S - stops as room turns red and loud alarm beeps are heard. Two burly security men enter the room to stop right in front of BrainyReader. Room returns to normal and the beeps are now gone

BurlySecurityMan1: I'm afraid ma'am that I can't let you continue on with that sentence as by the order of the Author pulls out a scroll from Nowhere "Nobody is allowed, under any circumstances, to mention the term that describes the new character of Alexi Winters directly or indirectly. Those who do will be thrown out to be eaten alive by the hungry Blast-Ended Skrewts waiting outside." Do you understand that ma'am?

BrainyReader: Meep! Yes sir.

BurlySecurityMan1 and HisPartnerWhoIsUndoubtedlyNamedBurlySecurityMan2: leave

BrainyReader: regaining composure As I was saying, the – new _original _character – always possess the perfect desired features of the Author. That is to say that the Author would like to be as "graceful as a cat".

Author: I still don't like the way you put "original" into italics. And hey!

SleepyReader: Did someone say something about a kitty?

As Harry was speechless for a moment and Ron was too busy stuffing his face full of food, Hermione took the chance to speak first.

"Welcome to Hogwarts Alexi" she said politely. "Whereabouts in America did you come from?"

In the middle of pulling samples of everything within reach onto her plate, she answered. "What, right before this? Or before that? Sorry, did that make any sense?" she smiled apologetically. Hermione laughed and said "let's try right before this".

"Well, before I came, I was staying at a place called Sunnydale in California. I'm not sure if you've ever heard of it."

The Cross-Over alarm bells are ringing, mass panic in the Reader's Room.

PanickyReader: It's a cross-over! A cross-over! Run to the protective gear cupboard! Aaaargh!

(Moments later, the Readers are all decked out in protective gear ranging from hockey masks, cricket shin pads and baseball bats.)

Harry and Ron looked at each other puzzled when Hermione spoke, fascinated. "That's the Hellmouth isn't it?"

"Not anymore" Alexi said smoothly. "We plugged it up good a few months back. Although now I hear that there are tons of other Hellmouths around the world"

InterestedReader: There are?

BuffyFanReader: There are?

Author: There are now!

"We?" Hermione asked intently. Alexi just smiled and said "food first, there'll be plenty of time for stories later, but for now, something about you guys. I don't even know your names!"

AnnoyedReader: Stupid lazy Author!

"Oh, how rude of us! I'm Hermione Granger and the one stuffing his face is Ron Weasley". Ron glared at Hermione before uttering out a barely incomprehensible "nice to meet you". "And the one next to you is Harry Potter" Hermione continued.

"The famous Harry Potter? Well, I should've guessed!" Her eyes glanced upwards towards Harry's scar and Harry wished desperately that she did not notice his flushed face due to his embarrassment. Why did he have to be Harry Potter? It was not the first time he asked himself that question and he was sure it would not be the last.

AttentiveReader: Oooh, careful, there's just a hint of characterization there! We can't have that permeating the story of – ah, new _original _character based – stories.

Author: Grrrr.

Harry grinned and was saved from an awkward silence when Alexi asked if they liked Hogwarts. "Oh, it's the best." Ron decided to pause his eating for the moment to answer the question. "Except for the Slytherins especially that git Malfoy and that other evil git Snape who takes Potions, so don't bother looking forward to it."

"Wasn't about to. I never really liked cooking. But who is Malfoy?" she asked curiously.

Ron took this chance to elaborately describe Malfoy's less than desirable qualities.

"Malfoy is an insufferable little moron whose over inflated ego leads him to believe he's superior to everyone else. Oh, and he's an evil little bastard, did I mention that?"

"I don't think you did" Alexi said as she laughed with the others.

When the Feast ended, leaving all the students very content and tired, Dumbledore dismissed the students off to bed after a cheery "Goodnight!" Hermione and Ron, being Prefects, led the Gryffindor first years and Alexi to the portrait of the Fat Lady. But in the hustle and bustle of leaving the Great Hall, Alexi found herself being parted from Hermione and Ron by the large crowd. She tried to fight her way through only to find herself on the other side of the crowd without a sight of Ron or Hermione. "Crap" she muttered to herself and decided to turn back to the Great Hall to ask one of the teachers for help only to find the entire place deserted. There was absolutely no-one around her in sight. It seemed that everyone cleared away pretty quickly. Surprisingly, really considering how tired they all were. Alexi decided to walk up the marble staircase she had seen many go up when she heard someone behind her. Alexi turned to find a boy of her age stepping out from what seemed to be a hiding place from behind the door. He had platinum blonde hair that made him look sickly when matched with his pale face. Nevertheless, he was a student and could possibly offer some help.

"I'm so glad you're still here. It's remarkable how fast everyone left! I need help on finding the way to Gryffindor Tower" she said quickly, ignoring the way he looked her up and down before slinking his way towards her.

"I have no idea where the entrance to the Gryffindor Tower is. I'm Slytherin which means that people don't know where the other houses' common room entrances exactly are. Didn't you know that?" the boy said as he slowly moved forward. Alexi stood her ground, making sure not to show how much he repulsed her. She decided to take an instant disliking to him.

Draco/OCShippers: Nooooo!

Alexi's friendly tone turned icy. "Of course I didn't know that. If I did, why would I ask such scum as you? And besides, that's a stupid rule. This school really doesn't like inter-house relations does it?"

The boy laughed before looking into her eyes and saying in a low voice "The school maybe doesn't, but I don't mind any inter-house _relation_ myself. The name is Draco. Draco Malfoy."

StunnedReader: Ew. And BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

ShockedReader: What is with the bad innuendo?

Author: Hey! I have a quota for the chapter to fill!

Alexi laughed directly in his face. "Tell me Draco, do you always speak like that?"

"Like that? Like what?"

"Like that"

"Why yes. Yes I do"

"Well then I must inform you that (Fill in your own witty comeback here because I'm too lazy to think of a smart one. Verbal smackdowns are really not my forte.)" With that, she left a stunned Draco to walk up the marble staircase. This had been one very interesting night.

Please review! If you do I'll … be eternally grateful?

Remember, not an MST!

Sarah1281 – Thank you so much for giving me such a great and long review! Yes, I'll agree with you that there are way too many Mary Sues in the Harry Potter category, so this is just me doing my little part to educate other fanfic readers on what not to read, while having some fun! Total WORD on the fact that all guys MUST fall in love with the Mary Sue!

Mangoskin93 – That's fair enough that you didn't like the little reader conversations, I'm sure that it is not everyone's cup of tea. But thank you for thinking that the 'in-between' story was good, because honestly, I'm not trying to make it good! I hope you keep reading though!

theLostLyrics: Thank you so much for your review! I have to say that the whole 'Reader commentary' is not my idea, I actually STOLE it from somebody else who I need to acknowledge quickly before they kick my butt! Thank you again!


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns the Potter-verse.

Alexi woke up the next morning feeling refreshed. It was great being at Hogwarts and even though it had been just one night, she had a feeling that she was going to love it here. Anything would be better than … that. No, she thought, she was not going to dwell on her past. This was a new start and she was going to make the best of it.

CynicalReader: Oooh, mysterious foreshadowing. (tinkling music)

As she headed down to the Common Room, she found Hermione reading a book by the fire.

"Good morning Hermione" she said, "want to come down and get some breakfast?"

AnnoyedReader: Wait, hold on. Where is the over-long description of how she got ready in the morning, what she wore and what her hair looks like? This would've been a perfect opportunity to describe what she looks like in greater detail!

Author: (long, heavy, melodramatic sigh) Fine. _(It actually sounds a lot more like "fuy-hyn")_

No, she thought, she was not going to dwell on her past. This was a new start and she was going to make the best of it. She got out of bed and went to the bathroom that she shared with her dorm mates that have never really been described in the books but many writers believe to be there so now it is part of the fanon.

HPFreakReader: I even checked the DVD, it's not there.

SleepyReader: What's not there?

HPFreakReader: The bathroom.

SleepyReader: What bathroom?

HPFreakReader: (clubs SleepyReader over the head with the first thing within reach – an umbrella) Sleep, my pretty.

PacifistReader: Why do these conversations always end with some physical violence?

HPFreakReader: (clubs PacifistReader) They just do my pretty, they just do.

Alexi surveyed herself in the mirror. Her long, extremely shiny hair was in perfect condition and looked like it had just been perfectly straightened despite the fact that she just woke up. She had perfectly tanned, blemish-less skin and the most remarkable set of purple eyes -

TamoraPierceFan: (cough) Alana (cough)

- framed by long beautiful eyelashes that hardly needed any mascara. Her figure was slim, her hands petite and did I mention that her hair was perfect? That is very important. In every way she was the epitome of perfection, except for one thing. Her –

StupidReader: Her obsession for Ben Stiller movies!

CheesyReader: Her love for cheese!

CynicalReader: Her love of bad romance novels!

CrazyReader: Her fetish for French choirboys!

AllReaders: l(ooks at CrazyReader) Ewwww. (edges away from CrazyReader)

Her dark secret past.

CynicalReader: Bwah! A donkey could've guessed that!

Donkey: That is so true.

Author: Um, how did you get in here?

Alexi sighed and got ready for her first day at Hogwarts.

As she headed down to the Common Room, she found Hermione reading a book by the fire.

"Good morning Hermione" she said, "want to come down and get some breakfast?"

"Good morning Alexi. We'll just wait for the guys first, they always sleep in."

Alexi took a seat next to Hermione. "You're all really good friends aren't you?"

Hermione put down her book and smiled. "We've been friends since first year. They're my best friends"

"But have you ever considered to be more than friends?" Alexi lifted an eyebrow and smiled mischievously. Hermione looked nothing short of horrified.

"Me and Ron! Never, we're just friends!"

Alexi's smile grew even wider. "I never said Ron and you. Although now that you do mention it …" Hermione was stopped from giving a sharp answer when the boys bounded down the stairs. Alexi stood up and gave each of them a bright "Good morning!"

"Good morning Alexi" they both mumbled, clearly still half asleep. Hermione rolled her eyes as if to say "Oh honestly!" As they were about to head out of the portrait, the other three heard a squeak coming from Alexi's general direction.

"What the bloody hell was that?" was Ron's exclamation. Alexi reached into her pocket and pulled out what can only be described as a pale lump.

"This is Larry, my pet rat" Alexi held it out happily. Harry, Ron and Hermione could only stare at it.

"Why doesn't it have any fur?" Hermione asked.

"It looks like it's been _shaved off_," said Harry.

"Yeah, that's right. Larry likes it that way. He says it gives him a more threatening and imposing look. Something that comes in really handy when he's living in the streets" Alexi explained. More silence followed this.

AstonishedReader: What the fudge?

GrossedOutReader: That is so … like, gross!

AstonishedReader: Does it talk?

GrossedOutReader: Should it talk? I mean, do _you_ even want it to talk?

It was Harry who broke the silence by suggesting that they head down to the Great Hall for breakfast. Everyone gladly accepted the proposal, except for Ron who continued to stare suspiciously at Larry, seeing his past experience with Peter/Scabbers.

ReflectiveReader: You know, come to think of it, I would be pretty traumatised if I was a teenage boy and found out that a person had been sleeping in my bed, unbeknownst to me, for the past couple of years. I mean, think of what teenage boys do! Those nights at Hogwarts must be pretty lonely…

AuthorativeReader: You will stop right now. This is a PG-13 fic. There will be no smut here!

ReflectiveReader: I was merely suggesting …

AuthorativeReader: I don't care what you were merely suggesting! If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were PervyReader with a mask on!

ReflectiveReader: (shifts sideways)

AuthorativeReader: I knew it! (Rips off mask Mission Impossible-style) I though you were banned from here! Get out now before I –

Author: Let's move back to the story shall we?

(Noises in the background can still be heard of a fight between AuthorativeReader and who now appears to be PervyReader. Think of the fight between Mark and Daniel in Bridget Jones' Diary)

They received their timetables for the new semester to find that Potions was up first. Because Snape only took the best students for NEWT Potions classes, students from all four houses were in the same class.

"Oh bother. Double Potions on Monday mornings. This is going to be a great year. I can just tell" Ron said miserably as he ate his bacon/toast/corn flakes/cocoa pops/buttered scone/crumpet.

Ron's feeling quickly spread to everyone else as they trudged on down to the dungeons.

It seemed that the holidays had no positive effect on Snape's mood. He was as evil as ever and managed to take 10 points off Gryffindor before the first period was over. It must've been some sort of record.

"This Potion Of Some Importance Later On This Fic is supposed to be green. Green I said dammit! Do I see green? No I see pink! Last time I checked, pink is not green!

FashionableReader: Pink is the new green though.

FashionSavvyReader: Since when? When clowns have taken over the world?

Author: No actually, yellow is the new green.

AngryReader: I don't care what is the new what! Get on with the story!

FashionableReader: (mutters) And this is coming from someone who still wears plaid!

Snape went off into what was undoubtedly another hissyfit over Neville's failed potion.

AstonishedReader: Neville! What the hell is he doing here? He's supposed to be crap at Potions!

Author: If you'd have read on, you would have found out that because Neville performed so well in his OWL exam, he scored and "O".

AstonishedReader: (sheepishly) Oh, well then, good for him.

RealityCheckReader: Oh that's rubbish. The only reason the Author put Neville in class is so that Snape can have someone to pick on and therefore present a chance for the ah, new and _original (_snicker) character, to stick up for him.

Author: (eye twitches) Don't make me … ah, screw it.

Alexi had enough of this. She couldn't watch a fellow student being verbally abused while she just sat by. She stood up and said in a loud clear voice.

"I don't think you're being fair to Neville, sir." The entire class including Snape went completely still and silent and turned to face her. Undaunted by this, Alexi went on.

"It's not Neville's fault that his potion went wrong. It's hard enough concocting such a difficult potion on the first day back at school without having his teacher hovering across his shoulder, ready to scold at any opportunity."

Snape froze to the spot before gliding over menacingly to Alexi.

"See me after class Miss Winters" was all he said before he swept back to the front of the class. The tension in the room palpably lessened at that. Very few had ever been foolish enough to stand up to Snape. Harry, Ron and Hermione smiled at Alexi. They couldn't have been anymore prouder at their new friend.

GrossedOutReader: (gag)

At the end of the lesson, everyone rushed out as quickly as possible. Hermione, Ron and Harry waited outside the door for Alexi who came out relatively quickly, and surprisingly enough, smiling.

"No one ever comes out of talking to Snape like that," Harry said.

SnapeFans: (snicker) I know some who do!

AuthorativeReader: Oh get your minds out of the gutters guys. And ew!

"What happened? What detention do you have to do?" asked Hermione, worried.

"Oh, I didn't get detention. All I got was a slap on the wrist. It was nothing," said Alexi unconcerned.

"A slap on the wrist! He never lets off a Gryffindor! I wonder why he did that," wondered Harry.

"Maybe it's because I'm … Snape's niece," said Alexi. That was enough to stun her new friends into silence for the second time that day.

GrossedOutFan: Snape's niece! That's so …like, gross!

I really think I love my reviewers. No, I seriously do. I always get really excited when I find that I have received reviews that it's really the highlight of my pathetic little existence.

The fear of has truly been instilled into me. If I'm doing anything wrong, please tell me so that I can fix it because I cannot go through the heartbreak all over again of getting my babies taken down.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: The anonymous reviewer thingy has been disabled. All ye anonymous reviwers - go and review!

**Timeline** – Harry Potter: 6th Year  
Buffy: A few months after "Chosen".

**Disclaimer**: Things that you may recognise do not belong to me but to their respective copyright holders. I'm not making any money off this. Also, the very clever "Reader" commentary device is not an original idea from me. In fact, I got it off a very witty and hilarious fic whose name I do not remember unfortunately.

Ron was the first to speak. "You're y-you're Snape's… what!"

"That's right," said Alexi calmly "As horrible as it might sound to you, I am related to Snape or Unky Sevvy as I call him."

"Unky Sevvy?" Harry said horrified.

"Yep, that's right. He's my mother's brother. This is the first time I've seen him since I was three. He was part of the reason why I'm here," said Alexi. "Now we've got to get to lunch!"

At the thought of food, Ron's troubled expression cleared a little.

AnnoyedReader: Ah, of course - Ron + food Happy!Ron.

The foursome all went to the Great Hall for some lunch. And so progressed the day without any more nasty surprises, unless you count the mountain of homework McGonagall gave to them in Transfiguration.

"We're never going to get through this. The Chudley Cannons will win the Cup before I get this done" Ron was heard complaining as they headed off to the library.

"Well at least you've finally accepted the idea that the Chudley Cannons suck. That's a good thing at the very least" replied Harry jokingly. If it weren't for the large stack of books that each of them was carrying, Ron would've gladly taken the opportunity to punch Harry. But not in a violent way, more like in a friendly playful one. Like when your friend tells you she thinks that that guy is checking you out and then she jokingly adds that then he is probably gay and you whack your friend a good one. You know, like those kinds of times?

StunnedReader: When does that ever happen?  
Author: Oh it does, (low voice) it does.

"Boys, will you stop it" said Hermione irritably "we're almost at the Library and you know Madam Pince will kill us if you keep racketing on like that!" The two boys looked sheepish and Alexi only laughed quietly at that.  
When they were finally settled at the table with their respective towers of books around them, the Ravenclaw prefects whose names I can't be bothered to look up, appeared.

"Hermione, Ron, there's an emergency prefect meeting on right now. You have to come," said the boy Ravenclaw prefect. Ron and Hermione looked at each other and Hermione said, "Okay, we'll come right away and leave Alexi and Harry alone to study. By themselves. Alone."

PervyReader: I don't think there's going to be much studying going on!  
Author: Ew and get out!

PervyReader: Where to? I'm a figment of your imagination remember?  
Author: True.

Hermione and Ron left Alexi and Harry and the awkward silence that was steadily growing between them. Alexi avoided Harry's eyes and looked down to her book with a faux-fierce concentration. Harry couldn't help looking at Alexi. She was so beautiful. Finally she sighed and looked up. Their eyes met. Harry felt his heart rate triple as his breath caught. She smiled at him and he felt he could've died a happy man right then and there.

CreepedOutReader: You mean, he was staring at her all that time? Creep!  
HarryFans: That's Harry you're talking about! Harry isn't a creep! He's a brave, smart, funny, chivalrous, gentlemanly young man.

CreepedOutReader: (mutters) Creepy nutter is what he is.

His gaze however was diverted when a book bumped him on the elbow. He spun around and stared at the floating book incredulously.  
"Could you pass me that book there?" asked Alexi. Then Harry understood. Alexi had summoned the book herself. But how? He didn't even hear her say _Accio!_ or take out her wand.  
"How did you do that? I didn't even hear you say the spell or use your wand!" Harry said as he passed Alexi the book.

"I don't need my wand to summon objects. I'm telekinetic. I can move things with my mind."

StarWarsFan: She has the Force!

CoolReader: Shut up! No one cares about the stupid Force!

StarWarsFan: (low melodramatic voice) You, follower of the Dark Side, will meet your doom at the hands of the Jedi Order who'll-

AllReaders: Shut up!

Harry was amazed at this. "So this is part of that other branch of magic you know? Show me."

Alexi smiled and proceeded to demonstrate. By flicking her fingers she took every second book from the 'Turning Your Galleons Into Marshmallows' section.

"Wow. What else can you do?" asked Harry, impressed with her skill and accuracy as she placed all the books into a neat pile by Harry's feet.

CynicalReader: Isn't that one power enough? I mean, what more could you want?

SmartReader: This is a new, _original_ character remember? That means lots of super powers, duh.

CynicalReader: My bad. Carry on.

In the next hour or so, Alexi demonstrated every power imaginable, all found in some medium of popular entertainment or another. And now for purposes only known to the Author –

ShrewdReader: Meaning she's lazy and can't be bothered to write PROPERLY!

- these powers will now be noted in point form.

Has head-splitting premonitions a la Cordelia style from Angel making her vulnerable and liable to be caught by Harry at some future date, likely to end in some badly contrived romance scene.

Can read minds and send telepathic messages a la Fitz from the Farseer Trilogy.

Can heal injuries a la the Gift from the Tamora Pierce books, but with the extra interesting twist that she gets weaker every time she does that so that she can be held by Harry at some future date, likely to end in some other badly contrived romance scene.

Can shoot bolts of lightning from her fingers a la Storm from X-Men. Downside to this is that every time Alexi does this, she has a tendency to make _zap! zap!_ noises with her mouth while putting her fingers in the 'pistol' positions. You know what I mean.

Can change her wand into any weapon of choice from dagger, sword to lightsaber.

Has other powers that cannot be listed here because the Author can't think of anything more, but will most certainly feature in upcoming chapters.

Note: If one is familiar with any of these references listed above, note that Alexi does not possess the bad parts of the power i.e. Cordelia's brain damage, Storm's frizzy hair, etc …

Harry sat, incredulous. "Is that all?" he asked.

"Well I also am a Slayer, so I suppose I have super strength and super quick reflexes, but other than that, that's all."

"A Slayer?" asked Harry. "What's that?"

CynicalReader: Where's Hermione when you need her?

"A Slayer is given the responsibility to keep the world safe by waging an ever going war with vampires, demons and every other ugly creature one can imagine. Now until only recently there was only one Slayer for every generation, but that all changed a few moths ago in Sunnydale. That was when the First struck, hell bent on taking over the world. So Buffy (that was the only slayer then) rounded up all of the Potentials, which was what I was, around the world. At the final battle, all of the Potentials were made to be Slayers to combat all the Turok-khans (evil, ugly vampire dudes)"

NonBuffyFan: I have no idea what she just said.

ConsolingReader: Don't worry, neither does anyone else. Just look at that pretty shiny object.

NonBuffyFan: Ooh, where? Where?

"A Potential?" asked Harry "what's that?"

NonBuffyFan: Who cares!

"A Potential is someone who has the potential to be the next Slayer. If they're not called to be a Slayer then they can carry on with their lives. But as part of being a Potential, we are trained at a very young age to learn the arts of the Slayer by a Watcher"  
"And where is your Watcher?"

ConsolingReader: This is the only part where you need to pay attention.

NonBuffyFan: (still playing with shiny object) What?

Alexi's eyes filled with tears and she quickly stifled a sob. She looked away and said very quietly "He died in front of me. There was nothing I could do. It was the Bringers."

UnsympatheticReader: Oh boo hoo, who cares!

HopelessRomanticReader: Shhh, this'll lead to something important!

At Harry's confused look she continued, "the Bringers were the First's minions, they killed all of the other Potentials and their Watchers. I only just escaped"

Harry's heart broke at all of this. "That poor thing, to have suffered so much and yet remain so strong and beautiful" he thought.

ConfusedReader: But that's bad isn't it? He pities her. I wouldn't like anyone to pity me.  
HopelessRomanticReader: In the Ma – new, _original _character world, pity is only one step away to love.

ConfusedReader: Oh blurk!

He found her to be so strong for keeping such a carefree façade even though all the pain she went through. Alexi's gaze was fixed down onto the table, tears silently streaming down her face. Harry didn't even know that he was going to do it, but instinct told him to move over and to just hold her. He placed his arms around her and he was relived when he felt her snuggle closer into him and not pull away. She looked up at him and he looked down studying every feature of her beautiful teary face. She reached up to stroke his cheek softly. He closed his eyes at her soft touch that sent chills down his spine. He held the wrist that was on his cheek to kiss the soft inside of it when he noticed a mark on it. He stopped and took it further from his face to inspect it closely. He looked back down into Alexi's face to find it horror-stricken, mirroring his own expression. On her wrist, as clear as anything was the Dark Mark.

MelodramaticReader: DUN DUN DUN! This be the deep, dark secret! I can feel it in my bones!

"What is this?" he spat at her, throwing her wrist down and jerking away to stand up.

AnnoyedReader: What a prat!

"Please Harry, you must understand" said Alexi tearfully, gathering herself up. "It's not what you think"

"I think I know very well what it is. I can't believe it Alexi, I really can't" and here Harry strode off angrily like the little wuss he was in the fifth book having what is most likely another hissyfit.

To my gorgeous reviewers. I love you. You all rock! No, seriously, you do.

Aya-dono – Thank you very much for your review! Yeah, I always find that everyone in Mary Sue type stories have absolutely no personalities and that the only thing driving their actions are, well, hormones. I've never met an actual SnapeFan before! And here I thought that I was being all cool and original by making Alexi related to Snape. Oh well, I guess in a category as large as Harry Potter, EVERYTHING has been done.

theLostLyrics – I LOVED Mark and Daniel's wussy fight. But nothing beats the "Arrested Development" fight between GOB and Michael. Awesome stuff. Thank you so much for your continued reading, you really have no idea how good it makes me feel.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Taking a big leap away from the typical Harry Potter Mary Sue because – I can and I want to. That and Harry Potter and Buffy are my two favourite generes if you haven't already noticed.

_Here in the dark  
I stand before you  
Knowing this is my chance to show you my heart  
This is the start, this is the start  
I have so much to say that I'm hoping  
That your arms are open  
Don't turn away I want you near me  
But you have to hear me_

_-Tiffany Taylor: Here's Where I Stand-_

CynicalReader: Ah, nothing like the lyrics to a song that no-one will read to start off a chapter. You will notice here gentle-readers, that the words usually have nothing to do with the story itself and is merely noted because the Author likes the song or the song was playing at the time of writing.  
TwoCentsReader: Or the Author wants to sing this and impress everyone with her moving interpretation and to deliver a message to that special someone as she doesn't have the guts to do it personally.  
Author: (eyes shift nervously) How did that get in there? Who are you? I have no idea what you're talking about! (laughs nervously) Ahem.

Alexi didn't know what to do as she strode out of the library with tears streaming down her face. Interested onlookers turned around to her as she walked quickly past them.

Author: Think Sydney in the pilot of Alias as she walks into the SD-6 offices after finding out that Danny was murdered.  
NonAliasFan: What?  
Author: Never mind …

She made her way back to the Gryffindor Common Room as fast as possible, practically running up to the security of her dormitory. There she slammed the door shut and leant against it breathing heavily. She allowed herself to cry for a few moments before forcing the tears back. Hiccuping, she went over to her closet to retrieve the weapons she would need to patrol that night. Rummaging through the assorted collection of nunchuks (sp?), those cool ninja throwing stars and her scythes a la Electra, she pulled out a sword. It had been a gift from Legolas after she managed to save Middle-Earth single handedly from a vampire invasion after an interesting parallel universe adventure a few years ago. It had been his parting gift to her after she had won his heart but was unable to stay, despite his wishes, due to her duty in her own world.

AttentiveReader: Um, hasn't she been a Slayer for only a few months?

BrainyReader: Shh, it's another plot hole, this place is riddled with them.

IncredulousReader: Ah, you make a fuss about that, but you don't even raise a hair over the fact that she went to Middle-Earth?

InattentiveReader: Middle-what?

CynicalReader: Hold on! Wait! Wait! Wait! What about the Dark Mark on her wrist? Have they just left that?  
MSSavvyReader: Looks like it. In true em-ess style, the Author has opted to completely ignore whatever happened in the last chapter for the sake of 'the plot'.  
CynicalReader: There's a plot?  
Author: Yes there's a plot, now shut up and let me keep writing. Or I'll make you all watch "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen". Again. (evil cackle)

PleadingReader: Oh gods no! Please, have mercy on us. Noooooooooooo! Argh!

CalmReader: Yeah, that was one bad movie. Lots of eye candy though.

LoverOfOldMenReader: Mmm … Sean Connery.

Author: That is SO not right.

She surveyed the sword in the moonlight filtering from the window. It was made from mithril, the elvish steel and carved into it were elvish words for grace and strength. It glowed with a cold, deadly beauty. Putting it down, Alexi then pulled out her favourite pair of jeans, a black tank top and a mesh top to go over that from her wardrobe. She loved her wide collection of mesh tops ranging from the glittered ones to the tie-dyed ones. Tonight though, she would just stick with the black one. Going to the bathroom mirror, she applied a thick layer of eyeliner and topped off her look with a purple lipstick. All in all, the Author thinks she looks pretty stupid and absolutely hor-ren-do (A/N: Carson!), but Alexi thought she looked the exact part of the imposing and gothic Slayer. Alexi sighed at her reflection and after taking her sword named Bob, jumped out of the window to land gracefully on her feet. There are some advantages to being a Slayer, she thought.

Author: Okay let it rip. Elvish swords? Ugly mesh tops? The goth look? A sword named Bob? BRING IT ON!

AstonishedReader: Woah! That's like a thirty storey drop!

CynicalReader: Aye, that be true.

Author: Or you could talk about the drop.

Alexi made her way over the Hogwarts grounds to the Forbidden Forest. There she knew, in the middle of it somewhere was a Portkey that would lead her to the Hellmouth she was to protect. This was the other reason why she was brought to Hogwarts, to guard that Hellmouth, even though it would've been easier to ask the Potential-turned-Slayer living in that city to do it, but you know, whatever. As she approached the edge of the forest she muttered "now or never" before plunging in and holding up a ball of light for illumination.

PickyReader: (points excitedly) Another super power!

HPFreak: No stupid, that's part of the Harry Potter canon. Remember Lupin on the Hogwarts Express when the Dementor came in? Stupid …

Alexi ran and ran, forgetting all her troubles. She relished in the feel of the wind in her face and her hair streaming out behind her. She breathed deep, the smell of the forest refreshing her, and blah blah endless descriptions of useless places-cakes.

AttentiveReader: Um, aren't we forgetting something? How is she supposed to know where the Portkey is? It's a pretty big forest!

Author: Ah, it was shown to her. In a, uh, a dream! Yes, a dream!

AttentiveReader: And who exactly put the Portkey there?

Author: Well it was a joint decision by Dumbledore who knows her entire story and Buffy.

AttentiveReader: (falls through hole in ground)

InquisitiveReader: Where did he go?

Author: He fell into a plot hole. That's what you get for asking questions!

When she found the Portkey (that second from the left green-y bush over in the corner), she placed her hand on it and found herself in a swirl of colours and sound. Disorientated, she felt her feet hit solid ground finally and looked at her surrounding. She was in some dark alley that looks coincidentally a lot like something out of the first Blade movie than any Scottish city.

PertReader: 'Coincidentally' indeed.

Alexi walked out of the alley into the streets bustling with nightlife. Some instinct of her told her to walk across the road, so with nothing to fear she followed it. Walking aimlessly around the city, observing all the late night goers, she spotted some people who were definitely of the non-human variety. She decided to follow them discreetly, curious as to what the vampires of the city get up to.

Danielle: It's vam-PY-ers, like Andrew from Buffy.

Author: How did you get in here?

Danielle: You invited me.

Author: But you're real, get out of my head!

Danielle: Fine. (leaves)

As it so happened, they walked into a very seedy looking club. Taking a deep breath Alexi followed them. It seemed that her gothic attire did not look out of place considering the other patrons of the club. Alexi took in her surroundings; it was dim and smoky with the only source of illumination lighting up what she supposed to be the centre of the club. There seemed to be some sort of spectacle there, as everyone was crowded around it. Pushing to the front of the crowd, Alexi gasped in horror.

I really must leave it here now gentle-readers. Why? Because I know this chapter isn't really part of the typical Mary-Sue story at all and must admit that I don't know exactly what is the typical Mary Sue story anymore. And the reason behind **that **is because I've never stayed long enough in one of those stories to find out what happens, usually opting to hit the "back" button after mentions of shiny hair and the words "American witch", in disgust.


	6. Chapter 6

I think a more appropriate title for this would be "The Ultimate Cross-overs of Cross-overs" or something like that.

Yes, this will be quite a departure from the usual MS fic. As you will soon see, this was written a few years ago when I had a HUGE obsession with the movies 'Blade' and my beloved 'Lord of the Rings'. I just had to add them to the story!

It was a cage. A giant enclosure that currently housed what could only be described as two horrific looking demons fighting. The onlookers cheered raucously as one of them viciously bit off his opponent's head, followed by a large splash of dark blood. Alexi recoiled from it and could only look on in horror. As the winner was declared, she could see some of the audience collecting bets and others angry at having lost their belongings. It was indeed some sort of demonic sport. Soon, a scuffle broke out behind her, between one very violent looking, oh I don't know, orc and a weaselly looking, er – weasel. A big weasel. And evil looking at that. It seemed that the weasel (we'll call him Wally shall we?) couldn't pay the orc at having lost the bet. The scuffle soon spread as it always inevitably does in these scenes, so much so that Alexi was hit from behind by another demon that I can't be bothered to describe. But I know for a fact that he wears leather and smells bad.

"Hey! Watch it!" she yelled angrily as she took him out with a simple punch that knocked him out cold. In the ensuing battle Alexi managed to knock everyone involved in the 'scuffle' unconscious. When the last demon had gone down after an impressive kick, she stood in the midst of all the prone bodies lying around her on the ground, breathing heavily, an impressive bruise swelling her eye and her bottom lip cut. She looked crap really when her attention was caught by a vampire who started to walk slowly towards her clapping slowly as well.

BuffyFan: It's Spike!

DisagreeingReader: It could really be anyone. Okay, survey guys! Favourite vampire!

BuffyFan: Spi-

DisagreeingReader: Yes, we know whose yours. Anyone else?

BramStokerFan: It's Dracula!

AnneRiceFan: It's Lestat!

SesameStreetFan: It's Count Dracula! Ah ah ah ah.

BuffyFan2: It's Angel!

BladeFan: It's Deacon!

BuffyFan3: It's ANYONE from Buffy or Angel.

Author: And now I have exhausted my vampire knowledgebase. Oi. I think I'll flip a coin. Heads I use an existing one from above, tails I have to actually use my brain to create a new character that'll probably be killed off very soon. (flips coin) Heads! Sweet!

He looked no older than twenty-five, but then again, as a vampire, this was incredibly misleading. He had dark hair that strands of it would frame his astonishingly pale blue eyes. Alexi noticed that all his clothes were designer labelled. Vain, very vain, she thought.

"Remarkable" he said as he approached Alexi, instinctively stepping over the bodies without looking down. She stood her ground and watched him steadily.

"Really remarkable" he continued in an American accent. "How is it that one human girl like you could take down all of these? Never mind! (holds hand up right in front of her face) How would you like to get into the Cage? Earn some money?" At this point, the scene had miraculously changed, it seems that some magical fanfic fairies had taken out the bodies and everyone else continued on with their night as if nothing had happened.

"Please, follow me and maybe we could talk somewhere more private" the man indicated and left Alexi. She followed quickly, not knowing why she did, but for the purposes of this story she does. Okay, let's say she was 'captivated by that piercing blue eyed stare'. That seems to work in a lot of other fics. So Alexi followed him into a corner where there was a small table and two chairs. He sat in one of them and indicated to Alexi to take the other.

"I'd rather stand," she said brusquely. "What do you want? And what is your name?"

AttentiveReader: Ah, the money question!

The man lit a cigarette –

Author: Can you seriously not guess?

BladeFan: (jumps up and down in seat, raising a hand in the air) Oh, I can! I can!

"My name is Deacon Frost"

AllReadersWhoAren'tBladeFan: Bwahahahahahahaha!

StupefiedReader: What kind of name is that? It sounds more like a comic book villain than anything.

BladeFan: Well …

AttentiveReader: Why him I wonder? I would've much rather liked to have seen Count Dracula walk out. Can you imagine that? A puppet walking out and saying "one body, two bodies, three bodies! Ah ah ah ah ah".

MeanReader: Yes I can. And it looks stupid.

Alexi thought for a moment. Fight in that cage? Sure why not? She could easily take any of these creatures on, hell she did it for a living. To gain some time before she had to answer, she looked down at her hands, appearing to consider the offer. Her gaze fell on the Mark on her wrist, and suddenly she felt a surge of anger that had been conveniently forgotten until the current time. How could Harry treat her like this? Why was she who she was? Feeling reckless, and may I say, rather suicidal, she answered, even though he never asked a question.

"I'll do it"

Deacon looked delighted and led her to the door of the cage. He opened it and followed her in. As an opponent was called for Alexi, silence filled the room until finally a hooded figure from the back said quietly, yet loud enough for the entire room to hear.

"I'll take the brat," It said in a low grumble that emanated hatred.

Alexi watched as it approached the cage. She looked back up at Deacon.

"You forgot to tell me the rules"

Deacon looked down and grinned wickedly.

"There are none sweetheart"

Alexi gulped and thought twice about her choice. But it was too late for her opponent finally reached the door and entered the enclosure. Suddenly Alexi was overwhelmed with the stench of it, as it came in. It stank of rotting flesh and Alexi almost retched. Luckily she managed to compose herself as Deacon left the two eyeing each other. Alexi did her best to hide her emotions. Fear, anxiety, but now prevailing over everything else, an unassuageable anger.

AdultReader: Ah, the woes of teenagers!

He, she, it, whatever it was spoke and its breath was putrid. "I hope you know what you're doing Slayer"

Alexi looked sharply when it said that. "How do you know what I am?"

It laughed, a horrible, low, guttural laugh. "Everyone in this joint knows what you are. You stink of it."

ScrutinysingReader: (narrows eyes) This is beginning to smack of an actual Mary Sue and less of a parody …

LarrytheRat: (squeak) Hear hear!

Author: Uh oh …

As Alexi was about to reply, a bell gonged, signifying that all the bets had been taken and that the match had begun. Her enemy unsheathed a sword that had since remained hidden underneath its black cloak.

LOTRFan: Sounds like a Ringwraith!

Author: Uh oh. Wait! No it doesn't! It has a 'low voice that emanated hatred' not a 'chilling voice that pierced the hearts of all but the bravest'. See! I changed it!

LOTRFan: Just as well, it's just as well.

The sword shined with a cold, pale and deadly light that repulsed her. Alexi backed away nervously, keeping an eye on the sword.

VeryAttentiveReader: What about her sword? The one named Bob?

Author: Oh yeah …

RealistReader: How come she didn't use it in that 'scuffle' beforehand? It would've been the perfect opportunity for the Author to show off Alexi's 'skill with a blade', as it were.

SmartReader: That's because it then would've been a distraction to the much more important fight that is about to ensue.

ExtremelyAttentiveReader: Are you saying that she had been carrying a sword with her around the city?

Author: Yes. I mean, no! I mean, uh, 'due to the magic of the Elves, her sword, it be a retractable one'. Yes, that's it. Retractable sword named Bob.

Alexi unsheathed/unretracted her sword and it shone with a bright light. There ensued a sword fight. There was much slashing, parrying, blocking, swiping, hacking and jumping to be had and as the Author cannot be stuffed to describe it blow-by-blow, it was nevertheless a close fight. Alexi fought with ease and grace, her swings perfectly positioned, her reflexes lightning-speed, her hair shiny as ever. It soon then came to what we Authors call the Crunch Time.

Alexi herself was unscathed, yet her adversary did not fare too well. She had cut it in the arm, leg, across the abdomen, down it's shoulder and was even skilled enough to etch the letter 'A' on it's back while her rival was pre-occupied with something else. But Alexi, let her anger cloud her and in one, overlarge, furious swing was about cut off her kneeling foe's head - a very unwise thing to do - when her enemy knocked her off her feet with a swipey sorta kick.

PacifistReader: SNORE! Zzzzz …

Alexi landed on her back with a thud and quickly rolled aside and sprung up, just in time to miss her arch nemesis's blade. However, in that one swing, her challenger's hood had fallen back to reveal its face. It was a rotting, skeletal face whose angry bloodshot eyes held a malice that made Alexi stumble back. It was at that instant, that one split second that she felt his sword go through her stomach, and come through her body at the middle of her back, closely missing her spinal cord. She screamed a blood-curdling scream that sounded horribly a lot like Frodo's pregnant-lady-scream atop Weathertop. And for good reason. For her opponent's blade was spelled.

LOTRFan: Like the one Frodo was stabbed with!

It was a Morgul blade.

LOTRFan: Like the one Frodo was stabbed with!

Alexi could feel the warm blood trickle down her abdomen and back as her breathing became difficult. Her vision darkened and the last thing she saw were those cruel eyes before she blacked out completely.

BaffledReader: I don't understand, exactly why was a character from Blade in this chapter? That's cross-over just for the sake of it!

Author: Well, I did hint to it in the chapter before and I thought it'd be cool.

BaffledReader: It wasn't.

Author: How many synonyms did you count for the word "opponent"?

**All ye anonymous reviewers - go and do so! Because you can now!**

**LaThumbelina** – Thank you so much for your review! Yes, I have to admit that I would be guilty of self-insertion in this case as CynicalReader is definitely ME! (I've found that it's a lot of people too!) Hmm, (looks at your suggestions, and furiously writes them down) those are some GOOD ideas. Truth be told is that I've already written most of this story and I have 2 out of your 5 suggestions covered. Hmm … Oh! A Hellmouth was/is the portal between this world and hell. It essentially attracts a lot of bad guys and therefore needs a lot of Slayer attention. Honestly, you don't need to know much about Buffy to get the rest of the story. I just added that stuff in because I liked it. You only have to know that she has Super Fighting Abilities and Super Healing Abilities.

**TheLostLyrics **– Your dedication amazes me. You rock! No, really you do! DUDE! Your Mary Sue had the Dark Mark too? No way! Way cool! Keep a look out for an Alias based chapter where (SPOILER!) Alexi goes on a mission Sydney-style (SPOILER!).


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: I'll admit, that was a sucky chapter. To make it up to you guys, I give you this chapter, which gets Alexi back to Hogwarts and the next chapter as a gift.

Alexi's body ached when she woke. Moving each part of her body cautiously, she concluded that nothing was broken and that she could still feel each of those body parts. She lay there, wherever she was for a while before finally summoning enough energy to open her eyes. She was in an alleyway somewhere, but it looked oddly familiar. Then her memory came rushing back to her.

SarcasticReader: Oh I know that whenever I'm stabbed, I always lose my memory the next morning.

BrainyReader: Can you be a bit more compassionate! She has just suffered a very traumatic experience and it also provides a nice opportunity for the Author to recap what happened before.

The club, the scuffle, the fight, that blade, those eyes. She shuddered at the thought of them. Laboriously, she slowly lifted herself off the ground. She inspected her wound. Miraculously it looked as if it had stopped bleeding, but it still looked pretty bad. Like gaping hole, infected wound type bad. Looking around, she wondered how long she had been unconscious for, if her wound had healed so quickly. Then the Author remembered that, being a Slayer and all, Alexi heals very quickly. The sun had only just risen and Alexi was still sitting on the ground in that disgusting alleyway. Then she remembered, this was the same alleyway that the Portkey had sent her to. That must mean that a Portkey back to Hogwarts should be here as well. She searched for it on her hands and knees, but gave up after realising she had no idea what it was. Sitting back down, frustrated, she was suddenly overcome with a vision in her mind of an old brown leather shoe. She instinctively knew that this was the Portkey - though how, she nor the Author could not describe - and that it was in this alleyway. Convenient, huh? She searched for it and found it behind a garbage bin. Going back to the spot where she had woken up, she retrieved Bob and lifted a weary hand onto the Portkey and closed her eyes.

WorriedReader: Uh, exactly what is separating this parody fic from being a full blown Mary Sue?

PlacatingReader: Us.

Back in the Forbidden Forest, Alexi was still on the ground. She opened her eyes and breathed all of the forest-y smells in, delighting in the new sunrise and the refreshing cold dew around her. Slowly, she managed to stand up and walk a few paces. It wasn't too bad, except for the limp. Where that limp came from, no one really knows, but there you go. So Alexi managed to limp her way to Hogwarts.

ApprovingReader: I like the limp.

DisapprovingReader: Wow, those paint fumes must really be getting to you.

HouseFan: Limps are hot.

NonHouseFan: Yes, but old men aren't.

As she got to the base of Gryffindor Tower, she looked up to her window and wondered how she was going to get up to it. Then she, or that is to say, the Author, remembered her super Slayer abilities and climbed up the tower. Just like that. Like gaping wound and all. Once she got to her window, Alexi saw that her dorm mates were still sleeping. Letting out a sigh of relief, she pushed herself up to the windowsill and landed noiselessly and gracefully on the ground. She then tiptoed her way to her wardrobe to collect the clothes she'd need for the day and tiptoed just as quietly to the bathroom.

ForgetfulReader: Have we discussed the location of the bathroom in regards to the dorms?

UnforgetfulReader: Uh (checks past chapters). Yep.

After taking her shower, Alexi surveyed the damages of last night. Her body was covered in bruises, but she managed to heal those easily enough. She placed her hand over them and her Gift did the rest, emanating a bright blue light.

DisbelievingReader: LAME!

CynicalReader: Hey, at least she didn't have to speak some 'Elvish words' and at least the healing didn't take up her 'strength' so that she'd collapse gratefully into Harry's arms at some later date.

Author: (whistles) Doo, doo doo.

Looking back into the mirror, she looked almost normal, except for those bags under her eyes and the haunted look of her eyes.

SnarkyReader: _Snerk! _Haunted by …

CompassionateReader: A hard day's night?

Unfortunately there was nothing in her power that could fix those up except for a good night's rest. Then, tentatively she inspected her wound. It had closed up in the duration from waking up to being in the bathroom (remember, Slayer abilities!), but she knew that she was to bear the scars for the rest of her life.

FetishReader: Scars are hot.

DisgustedReader: Sadist!

She was still in a lot of pain, and something about her wound didn't feel right. She placed her hand on her stomach and let her Gift flow out. But nothing happened. She applied a bit more force into it, but started to feel woozy. Ignoring this, she finally gave it everything she had, but collapsed from the exertion of it.

-From Alexi's POV-

He's getting away, walking along and down the corridor

I follow, my feet going at the same pace, but always slipping behind

I look around this place as I walk, seeing peeled old wallpaper, so much history here

I look ahead

He's gone, nowhere

Just dark, empty, dusty space

A door is open to the side

He must've gone in there

I try and open the door

It's locked

I press my ear against the hard wood

Nothing

Just silence

StupefiedReader: What the bloody hell was that?

DisdainfulReader: That my friend, was the worst poem/dream sequence I have ever read.

DumbReader: That was a dream!

DisdainfulReader: Yes. A bad one. The poem sucks.

Author: It does not.

DisdainfulReader: Yeah, it does.

Author: (reads poem, cringes) Okay, you're right. It does suck. Hey, in my defence, I was young and angsty.

AllReaders: (shakes heads in shame)

"Telin le thaed. Lasto beth nin. Tolo dan ngalad." Came a voice from the depths.

LOTRFan: Dude! Copyright!

CynicalReader: I KNEW there was going to be some Elvish nerdily put in there!

Alexi muttered incoherently and slowly began to regain consciousness. Her head felt light and empty, but at the same time, seemed to be filled with a painful weight. She opened her eyes, but everything was still dark.

"I can't see! It's dark!" she said breathlessly in a panic. She heard some inaudible mutters, but could not make them out. She blacked out again.

Gandalf, ah, I mean, Dumbledore was sitting over Alexi, watching her and helping her healing process. At the moment he had his hand over her forehead and was muttering some words in Elvish –

CynicalReader: (collects money from the rest of the Readers) Pay up, pay up. Oh, I am making a freaking FORTUNE here!

- his eyes closed in deep concentration. Alexi began to stir and Madam Pomfrey, on the other side of Alexi looked relieved and delighted and began to do some bustling about as she always inevitably does. At this, Dumbledore looked up sharply and said "Not yet Poppy, there is still a long way to go yet". Alexi eyes opened, but they weren't her usual vibrant violet colour. They were clouded and, well, do I really need to explain what they look like? I mean, just watch Lord of the Rings okay? You, know that bit where Frodo sort of squeaks when he wakes up and his face is all pale and death like? Yeah, that was what Alexi looked at this moment. Madam Pomfrey recoiled in horror at the deathlike quality Alexi's eyes held. She bit back a sob.

CynicalReader: THIS IS A MARY SUE! I REPEAT A MARY SUE!

ComfortableReader: And yet, we are all still here.

CynicalReader: True that.

SarcasticReader: Yeah, I know _I_ would like to be in the throes of death.

CheerfulReader: And still look GORGEOUS!

There was a subdued air between the trio as they sat in the Gryffindor Common Room. They were all sitting quietly, taking comfort in each other's company as they sat there after coming back from visiting the Hospital Wing. They had been told, by Professor Dumbledore himself of what had happened to Alexi at the end of their first lesson. There was a silent agreement between the three to keep this news about Alexi to themselves, and so far it had worked perfectly. In comparison to the three, the rest of the Common Room seemed loud and ear jarring.

CynicalReader: Er, are we forgetting that they're at school? Not to mention boarding school? News, any news, spreads faster there than e-coli in a daycare centre.

GrossedOutReader: Do I even need to say it? Okay then. Ew.

NitpickyReader: Er, how did Alexi get from bathroom to Hospital Wing?

AllReaders: …

SmartAlecReader: Plot. Hole.

"It's all my fault" Harry mumbled, looking up at the two.

"Oh Harry, you know it isn't' replied Hermione comfortingly.

UnsympatheticReader: Except we all know that it is. In Rule #42 of "The Vindication of the Rights of Mary Sue" – the Sue can only be impelled to act upon the actions of others without any regard to her own, limited, character and personalty.

"How could it possibly be your fault?" Hermione said softly, her eyes still red. Harry didn't answer, but he knew in his heart that he had caused this. That it was him that drove her to do, whatever she did. The anger that he had felt after finding out that she was a follower of _him, _had long since dissipated when he heard the news and his heart was wracked with pity when he saw her cold, pale form.

ReaderWhoThinksThatEverythingIsHot Pity is hot.

"Where are you going mate?" asked Ron as Harry made to get up. He mumbled something about going to bed and made his way upstairs. There was no way he was going to get any sleep that night.

InnocentReader: I don't get it, why is DirtyReader sniggering?

RealityReader: That was not a funny chapter. At all.

CynicalReader: Like I said. THIS IS A MARY SUE! NOT A PARODY OF ONE! STOP – (CynicalReader abruptly stops as the Author uses her Super Author Powers and shuts her the hell up before she reveals that the Author secretly wants to be Alexi, super powers and all)

Author: Oh crap.

FYI, the Author's house is being renovated at time of writing, so she is constantly being surrounded by paint fumes. Mmm … fumes.

Thank you so much for the constructive criticisms. Keep them coming! I don't mind them! My job is to make you laugh. It doesn't matter if it is either at me or with me.

Sarah – Thank you for the review and keep reading!

Moona Peruna – Oh gosh, I really do hope that you are still reading. I do have a very Mary Sue type ending, it's just how I get there that will test my (quickly vanishing) parodying abilities. Have faith.

Anyadelacour – Eee! Alexi is back at Hogwarts now! Sorry, but there was a few more LOTR references in this chapter, but I can promise you that this will (practically) be the last you see of them.

theLostLyrics – Thank you for your continued read-age. You rocketh!

Banana-hater - Okay, the vampire stuff is over. I promise. Thanks for your kind review!


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Yeah, chapter seven and a half was actually supposed to be chapter ten and a half, but I decided to bump it up a bit earlier because I felt bad. I've decided to stick to my guns from now on and continue with our plot (yes there is one!). On with the show!

A/N2: Yes, you will find out what happens at the Muggle Formal/Halloween Ball/Whatever Contrived Event It Was. Soon.

Harry, Ron and Hermione dashed to the Hospital Wing as soon as they had finished their dinner, Hermione slowing down the two boys' progress with the large bag of books she was carrying.

"Wait! Slow down guys!" she panted.

"Well hurry up then Hermione! Who does homework while visiting one of their sick friends?" said Ron, looking back.

"People who actually do their homework Ronald" snapped Hermione furiously.

YentaReader: Oh they are so married.

"Guys, could you just drop it? We're almost there" said Harry wearily as they arrived at the door.

Madam Pomfrey's head had peeked out at the commotion with a most displeasing look on her face.

"I must inform you that Miss Winters is unable to see you at the moment, and that it is past visiting hours!" Madam Pomfrey uttered in what could only be called as the whisper equivalent of a screech.

"But we must see her, please if only for a moment" Harry pleaded with her.

Insert pointless to-and-fro argument between the two while Ron goes off to eat a bagel and Hermione has her hair brushed by the hair dressers and make up touched up by the make up people

"Very well, but only for a moment!" Madam Pomfrey finally relented after Harry agreed to sing "Why Can't We Be Friends" in Swahili.

Inside the dark room, Dumbledore could be seen bending over Alexi. Apparently he was in very deep concentration for he did not notice the entrance of the trio. They kept back at a respectful distance until Dumbledore stirred, turned to face them and smiled his comforting smile.

"She will be fine. Her spirit has traversed some of the darkest places –

Author: You have no idea how badly I want to add EVAH! to the end of that.

- but she is strong and brave and she will make it. Though I fear that when she returns, we will find a broken form of what she was before."

"Broken?" Harry cried "what does that mean?"

"It means" Dumbledore explained gently "that her soul would feel the effects of her suffering".

ForeshadowingReader: Um, yikes!

CynicalReader: Um, lame-o! Why does this always happen? Why must there always be some sort of "tragic, broken darkness" about our Sues? WHY?

DissmissiveReader: She's gonna be broken goods love, come to me Harry baby.

Apparently content with this not-so-sufficient answer, Harry, Ron and Hermione arranged themselves around Alexi's bed.

The Hospital Wing was illuminated brightly by the blazing sun, despite it being, like October in Scotland. Alexi woke blearily and shaded her eyes from the sunlight streaming through the window opposite her bed. She slowly and heavily tried to prop herself onto her elbows and was rather startled when she felt someone's strong hands splayed on her back and help her. She looked to her right and gasped when she saw that those hands belonged to Harry.

SniggeringReader: Yeah, because we all know that Harry has strong manly-man hands. Bwah!

Words utterly failed her. She didn't know whether to greet him, to thank him, to throw him a punch or to just break down and cry into his arms. Thankfully he spoke first asking her if she was feeling better. Hie eyes showed genuine concern for her as Alexi stared deep into its depths.

AllReaders: (gag)

"Yes" she said weakly "well, better that what I was before".

"What happened?" Harry asked gently, hoping that she would tell him.

AnnoyedReader: Um, excuse me? Exactly what right does Harry have that obliges Alexi to tell him anything? Oh, like he handles new information well.

Alexi looked away and swallowed –

AnnoyedReader: Yeah, I'd be terrible thirsty too by now if I were her. And busting to go to the toilet, but then again, I ain't no Mary-Soo.

- "I was stabbed. The wound must've gotten infected" was all she said before she looked back at Harry. She could tell that he wanted to know more, but this would have to do for the time being, for Alexi knew in her heart exactly what she was stabbed with.

LOTRFangirls/boys: So do we! So do we!

"How long have I been out of it?" she asked in a lighter tone, hoping to change the subject.

"Four days" Alexi's eyes widened at that. "We've been taking it in turns to look over you in case you were to wake up, even though Dumbledore said that you'd only wake up today at the earliest."

"You didn't have to do that" said Alexi, yet her heart swelled with gratitude at that. "But thank you. Has Dumbledore been to see me?"

Harry's face darkened at that. "Dumbledore has been with you as much as his schedule allowed him. He was the one who healed you. He said that you were in a very dark place and that you were enormously brave and courageous to even come back" Harry added blushing furiously.

AdultReader: (gag) Teenage romances. Bwah!

KnowledgeableReader: More like 'imaginary' teenage romances. When do people _ever_ talk like that! Never!

Alexi hid a small smile with her hand, but that only made her look at her wrist. She paused for a moment before looking straight at Harry. "I have to explain something to you". She reached out to touch Harry's hand when she was suddenly overwhelmed with darkness.

AnnoyedReader: JESUS CHRIST! Not another one! Here we go again!

Harry's mind reeled as flashes of images appeared before his eyes. There was a crying, dark haired woman. Harry's stomach lurched with revulsion as he saw Voldemort press himself forcefully against the crying woman, forcing a potion down her throat. She screamed and that scream turned into a baby girl's cry. The cry still rang in his ears as his eyes began to take in the Hospital Wing and Alexi's hand on his, her eyes filled with tears.

Author: Now that wasn't too bad was it?

AnnoyedReader: (sulkily) I guess so. At least there wasn't a trace of an Evanescence song in there. Thank goodness. (screechy voice) I can heeeear yooou when yoooooou're sleeeeeeeping!

WonderingReader: Um, words weren't good enough?

Author: Shut up, it's called "dramatic … coolness!" And it's dramatic _and _cool for her to tell him this way. That and I can't be bothered to type in lengthy dialogue.

WonderingReader: Lazy.

Author: Whore.

"I'm sorry I had to tell you like that. I can't do it any other way" Alexi pleaded with Harry. Harry, seeing that she was about to cry, couldn't possibly be mad with her. Instead he placed his other hand on top of hers and gazed into her beautiful amethyst eyes.

AngryReader: You know, this provides a very outdated gender discourse regarding females.

ScholarlyReader: How so?

AngryReader: Well the connotation here would be that the only way that girls can win an argument/get their way is for the males to take pity on her.

ScholarlyReader: You know, you're right. And I'm sure the Author's own English teacher would be very proud of her for analysing her own text.

Author'sOwnEnglishTeacher: Quite so.

Alexi managed to gather herself together to explain.

Alertreader: CHUNKY EXPOSITION TIME!

"The woman that you saw was my mother. She was captured by Voldemort to produce an heir, because of her bloodline. At birth I was given the Dark Mark, but luckily, Voldemort was defeated when I was two months old. Thanks to you." She ended tearfully. Harry didn't know what to say except for "I'm sorry".

"This is the reason why I didn't tell you guys –

SmartReader: Well who would? "Hi guys, I'm the spawn of Voldy. Wanna be friends?"

- even though you were all so nice to me. Especially you Harry." She leaned close to him as she said this and they both didn't hesitate as they kissed.

IckedOutReader: Have we noticed that Harry likes kissing girls while they cry?

Where are my reviews? Where are my pretties? I feel sad, oh so sad.


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: Next chapter, you will find out what happens at the Halloween Ball!

Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns Harry and his good chums.

It was a sweet, gentle kiss that Alexi broke away from softly first. She smiled back at Harry and waited for him to open his eyes. "Wow" he breathed. The kiss was utterly breathtaking. Equal parts passion and shyness, it sent shivers of pleasure down Alexi's spine.

AllReaders: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(silence)

AllReaders: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Author: That's enough guys.

CrackingUpReader: (wipes tear from eyes) Oh my! Oh my! I think we must congratulate you for the most Mary Sue sentence in the whole of Mary Sue universe!

Author: (blushes) Oh, why thank you. It's such an honour! (receives statuette) First of all, I'd like to thank God. Without you up there, I would never be down here, spreading my gift and lightening the lives of my fans. Thank you to my family who have supported me along all this way. Thank you to Petunia, my manager, for getting me this gig. Thank you to my drama teacher Ms Cloze for believing in me and pushing me to go to the auditions and believe in myself! Oh my god, this is such a surprise, you can probably tell I haven't prepared for this! (laughter from audience) Thank you to the director of the film, for helping me through the filmmaking process and finally (orchestra starts) wait! Thank you to the Academy and also to my fellow nominees. Cate, Hilary, Halle, Nicole and Meryl. You are all amazing women and I am so honoured to be nominated amongst such fine talent. Thank you! (exits stage, music begins da-da da da-da-da da da)

"That was amazing" said Harry as Alexi smirked "I've never had that reaction before."

Harry was still tingling from that first kiss and began to lean in again when something was nagging him from the back of his mind. "Wait a minute. You said Voldemort captured your mother because of her bloodline, you can't be a pureblood, if you didn't know about wizards and only came to school this year, can you?"

AnnouncerReader: EXPOSITION! Get ready guys!

At this Alexi lowered her head. "My mother was murdered after she gave birth to me. She had finished her task and Voldemort disposed of her. I was given over to foster care when I was two months old. Then at age five, I was known to be a Potential and not a witch, so I began my training then. I knew how to load a crossbow before my times tables!" she tried to finish lightly, but the quiver in her voice betrayed her. "I don't know what was so special about my mother's blood, but Voldemort wanted it."

CluedInReader: Oh I have a few guesses.

FriendofCluedInReader: I think anyone who has read five minutes worth of Mary Sues would know what was so special with her blood. She's the –

CluedInReader: (claps hand over Friend's mouth) Shut up or we'll get the gas!

She looked back up at Harry who immediately took her into his arms. They sat like that for quite a while before Harry said quietly "Mind if I tell the others?"

AnnoyedReader: Prat! Who would say such a thing? What an imbecilic, insensitive twit!

They broke apart and Alexi muttered "I think we're going to have to"

A few hours later, the trio, along with the newly recovered Alexi, sat around the Gryffindor fire.

"So after my mother gave birth to me, Voldemort murdered her. I lived in different orphanages until I was taken in by my Watcher at the age of 5"

NitpickyReader: You said foster care before!

Author: Same diff.

Alexi finished in a monotonous tone to an awe-induced silent Ron and Hermione.

In the ReaderRoom: (strains of the music from "Oliver!" can be heard)

Ron was the first to break the silence "Bloody hell".

AttentiveReader: And the bad British slang continues … You know, I am from the British Isles and would like to inform the rest of the world, especially this ignorant American fanfic author that "Bloody hell" and "honestly!" are not the only things we say!

PipeUpReader: Yeah, I'm more of a "FREAKIN' hell!" person myself.

Hermione opened her mouth a few times before closing it and emitting a strange gulping noise. Tears sprang into her eyes "Oh Alexi, I'm so sorry"

Alexi smiled a brave smile which wrenched Harry's heart with pity.

DisgustedReader: Gargh! Pity equals love? When?

"Don't be" she whispered. "It happened a long time ago. I've moved on." At this Ron leapt from his seat to charge angrily up the stairs to his dormitory, leaving the other three baffled to his departure.

"What's up with him?" Harry asked in amazement. Alexi only stared after him.

"He's mad because I am Voldemort's heir. Who wouldn't be? Why should he want to be friends with someone evil like me?" she said bitterly.

UnsympatheticReader: Oh BOO HOO! Oh woe is me, indeed.

Harry wished with every fibre of his being to cover the small distance and to wrap his arms protectively around her graceful frame, curled up in that armchair. Unfortunately Hermione's presence made that feeling unable to be acted upon. However, Hermione didn't miss the hungry look in Harry's eyes, as he watched Alexi with respectful eyes.

PedanticReader: How can he look "hungry" while "respectful"? Surely when someone has a "hungry" look in their eyes, all they want to do is have hot monkey sex with said person. How can that possibly coincide with respect!

She smirked with this secret knowledge.

AnnoyedReader:Why is this always the case? That some other third party should know of "the secret relationship"? It's so lame and soap opera-ry!

InTuneReader: To create some lame-o situations concerning some heart-to-heart conversations between the girls with a lot of "do you like him? You do don't you? I knew it!" situations. Mark my words!

AnnoyedReader: Consider them marked. However, I guess I should be grateful that Alexi's and Harry's first intimate encounter wasn't witnessed by like a bazillion people like in other fics.

InTuneReader: Truly.

"I think I should talk to him" said Alexi as she made her way up the stairs. Alexi silently walked up the dark spiral staircase, careful to make no noise, an easy feat for her what with all her Slayer-powers and all. Haha. Anyway, Alexi opened the door silently to find Ron sitting on his bed with his back to her.

"Ron" she whispered quietly, her melodic and beautiful voice, breaking gently into his reverie as softly as tinkling music falls on weary ears.

BaffledReader: What the hell was that?

Author: Sorry, just took a class in "Writing Bad Mary-Sue-like Descriptions". Enormously helpful it was. Next week: "Vomit Inducing Lemons – Useful Synonyms."

"Ron, talk to me. I'm not here to judge you, know that."

Author: Totally off topic here, but I actually said that. Further proof of how perverse I am to have taken pleasure in my ability to lie through my teeth.

BackToTheStoryReader: Very off topic. Anyway, she's only known him for what, a week? And had a total of zero conversations with her. How can you explain the reason why Ron would bare his soul to Alexi?

Author: She's beautiful?

Ron turned to face Alexi, anger burning in his eyes. They softened a little as he saw how beautiful Alexi was, framed in the moonlight like that. The pure sincerity in her eyes moved his heart as she sat down gracefully next to him, close enough for their arms to brush, but not close enough as to be indecent.

CrackingUpReader: Indecent? Bwahahahaha. Sorry, just needed to point that out in a very immature way. It's like I'm reading a badly written fanfic set in some constricting period. Or the Author is at the moment, not too sure.

Author: (whistles) Dum dee doo … Wait a minute, I'm the Almighty Author Of Doom! I do not have to make excuses to please the likes of you mere mortals! Fear my wrath!

CrackingUpReader: Likes of us mere mortals? Need I remind you hon, that I **am** you. A figment of your imagination remember?

Author: (calms down) Quite right. Sorry had a relapse in my medication there. If you'll excuse me …

(A few moments later)

Author: Back! On with the story.

Ron hesitated before his spoke. He was so entranced by Alexi's freakish beauty to even begin. He wanted to run his fingers through her shiny, luscious hair and kiss those perfectly shaped lips of hers. Her perfume was intoxicating, but it was Alexi's quiet patience that prompted him to speak. Because the silence was beginning to get awkward and Ron's drooling rather too apparent. "I'm sorry I reacted the way I did. It wasn't right. I just felt, a little betrayed, knowing that one of my friends." Here his voice quivered tragically. "That one of my friends' father was He Who Must Not Be Named! With no fault of you own of course." He quickly assured her when she turned her head away gracefully. "It's just a little hard for me to take, y' know?" Alexi turned back to face him, her gorgeous eyes glistening. "Oh Ron …" she began but never finished as Ron took his opportunity and suddenly pressed his lips against her.

CynicalReader: Oh shut up, don't say you didn't know that was coming!

See if you can spot the "Pirates of the Carribbean" shout out in this chappie!

I am insecure and want reviews. If you do, you will have that nice fuzzy feeling of making a poor, sad, pathetic person like me, very happy indeed.

Anyadelacour – Good to know that I've got my groove back. Very reassuring.

LaThumbelina – Oh good, I was starting to think that I'd lost the Sue-ness there. It's good that people like you actually pipe up and tell me what you don't like about the story. A mood ring! Really? Hmm, I will take your suggestion on board. Yes, Snapey is her uncle, but Snape would be Alexi's mother's brother while Voldy would still just be her father. Yep. And here's a secret … Dumbledore is her godfather! And Lupin is her cousin. Funny you should mention Larry the Rat, because he plays an integral part in the chapter that I'm writing at the moment.

theLostLyrics – Where were you! I was starting to miss you! Nah, the fact that you're reviewing for each chapter makes my cold, dead heart feel that much bigger. It really does. I love you. I also LOVE Conan and have been using 'keep cool my babies', much to the confuzzlement of my friends as they don't watch Conan. Thanks again! Woo!

Mrs. Radcliffe 13 – Yay, new reviewer! I was wondering if anyone else was reading this! Why should there be a pirate reader? Wait, is this a reference to my other story?


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: Yes, we are to continue slogging through this story. To recap – RON KISSED ALEXI!

Alexi pushed him away gently. "Ron we can't –"

"Why not?" Ron asked angrily. "I like you Alexi, I really do. Don't you like me?"

RonFan: Hold on! Since when was Ron a whiny brat? I'm not liking this …

UnbiasedReader: Yeah me neither. How do we have a triangle concerning Alexi, Harry and Ron yet without making one of them an idiot and completely out of character?

CluedUpReader: You don't, it's an **em-ess** fic remember?

"Ron, I do. As a friend. That's it. I'm sorry." Alexi tried to explain, but it was useless, her pleas falling on deaf ears.

"You'll come to see that we'll be together. Just wait" and with that, Ron left Alexi sitting on his bed. In the dark. All alone.

SarcasticReader: Waaaah!

RonFan: Why is Ron the enemy?

Author: Because I don't like redheads?

AllReaders: (scandalous) Oooooh.

Term progressed as usual. Hermione was ever the study bug, urging the other two boys to have the same enthusiasm as she did, constantly parading the fact that this was their second last year of Hogwarts and therefore one of the most important in their lives. Harry and Ron then retorted with the fact that she had been telling them this since First Year.

"Honestly, you two. You're going to have to get your act together!" Hermione said in a frustrated voice after both Harry and Ron were to be found playing chess when they should've been completing their Charms homework.

"Calm down 'mione –

PedanticReader: Why is it always necessary to shorten down Hermione's name? It hasn't happened canon-ly in six books, it isn't going to start happening now!

PretentiousReader: Because the Author is lazy as hell. Just you watch, we'll be seeing "Hermy", "mi" and " 'mione" a lot more often.

- we've got ages. And I have to still beat Ron here!" said Harry, lazily reclining back on his comfortable armchair. Hermione rolled her eyes and heaved a loud sigh. She wondered where Alexi had gone off to. Professor Dumbledore had called her to his office after dinner. Hermione hoped she wasn't in any trouble. But as the days went by, Hermione noticed her and Harry's not-so-secret (to her at least. The rest were oblivious) relationship blossom as Ron became more and more withdrawn and secretive. She could only imagine what had happened before Ron stormed out of the Common Room that night and when Alexi came to her bed silently with tears in her eyes.

Hermione sighed as she went back to discussing the effects of the Transforming Dandruff Into Ice Cream Charm on the wider community in her Charms essay.

(Meanwhile)

"Alexi, you may be wondering why I called you into my office tonight" said Dumbledore kindly to Alexi who was sitting with a politely curious look on her face in one of Dumbledore's armchairs.

PervyOldManLoverReader: Oh, I can think of many a reason. (smirks in a suggestive manner)

AllReaders: EWWWWW!

Author: Yeah that is wrong. Why did I even allow that?

Alexi smiled in compliance, so Dumbledore continued. "I do not like to ask anyone for favours, especially of one of my students, but only you can complete this task I need desperately to be carried out."

Alexi began to look confused at this. "Why me professor? Why do you need me exactly for this?"

Author: (flicks through collection of Alias DVDS) Hmmm, mission, mission. I've got "Sydney in mental institution", "Sydney intercepts some information", "Sydney goes goth" and "Sydney pretends to be a rich, snooty investor". Which shall I use?

ConfusedReader: Who's Sydney? What's Alias?

AliasFanReader: Sydney is a character in the Author's most favouritest show, Alias.

ConfusedReader: Isn't this the Harry Potter category in fanfiction though?

Author: Yeah … but … it's my story and I shall do as I please! (goes off in a huff)

Dumbledore continued "I need something to be picked up. Intercepted would actually be a better word for it." He faltered here so Alexi decided to take the baton, so to speak.

"Please sir, I think it would be easier for both of us if you just spoke frankly"

He smiled at that "Very well. It has come to my attention that a Death Eater is to receive a package containing vital information about Voldemort's plans this weekend in Hogsmeade from one of their informants"

ShrewdReader: The Author has obviously given this fic a lot of thought.

CuriousReader: How do you figure that?

ShrewdReader: Hello? Blocky exposition above! A pointless blocky exposition that did not help continue the romance storyline! (chants) EM-ESS! EM-ESS! EM-ESS! (Continues to read shrewdly on)

Alexi didn't miss a beat with surprise. "Are you sure? Is your source accurate?"

"Very accurate. To say that he lost an arm would be an understatement" Dumbledore's eye twinkled. Alexi didn't know whether he was joking or not, but decided that if he was, he had a very morbid sense of humour. She took a moment to absorb this.

"And how do I fit into all of this?"

"Your task, strikeout Sydney /strikeout Alexi is to take the place of that Death Eater, receive the package and deliver it safely to strikeout SD-6 /strikeout me" announced strikeout Sloane /strikeout Dumbledore.

"But what am I to do with the Death Eater?" said Alexi.

"I leave that up to you."

AstonishedReader: WHAT! Since when did Dumbledore condone killing people?

"But of course, you do not have to do this Alexi. I'm asking you because I know that you are both capable of this task and of taking care of yourself" said Dumbledore with only a hint of slyness in his tone.

CynicalReader: PLOT CONTRIVANCE! This is ridiculous! Why would Dumbledore entrust such an important mission to a 16 year old? What were the rest of the Order doing?

HappyReader: Helping the elderly?

TipsyReader: Having tequila on the beach!

SadReader: Reading fanfic.

"Well, when you flatter my ego like that, how can I refuse?" said Alexi. "What's my cover story?"

AnnoyedReader: What the heck? Since when did Harry Potter and spies collide?

Author: When I said so! Alias rocks!

AliasFanReader: Aye, it does.

AnnoyedReader: What exactly are you trying to do here?

Author: If you haven't noticed yet, I'm trying to create a super Mary Sue character that has all the features of every protagonist of everything that I've read, seen, heard, smelt, touched and tasted.

AnnnoyedReader(WhoIsTurningIntoCuriousReader): You've tasted a protagonist?

Author: Only twice.

After memorizing a large black dossier in Dumbledore's office, Alexi decided to take a walk outside in the grounds even though it was twilight and the school is a huge target for a bunch a crazy mass murderers blindly following a leader named Tom. Oh yeah, and it was probably against the rules too. No matter. Alexi strolled along the Lake's edge, breathing the crisp night air and trying to secure in her mind who she was to be. Her name was to be "Ethel Moonshine", a green eyed blonde in her early twenties with a mixed Caribbean/English accent. Alexi wondered at Dunbledore's concocted cover story for her, but conceded to herself that he must've had his reasons. Although the tiny fact that Ethel had a cross-dressing, shovel wielding monkey fixation was beyond her. Nevertheless, Dumbledore had faith in her and believed her to be more than up to the task.

AttentiveReader: He did?

Author: He did. Let the record show that he did.

Yet a smidgen of doubt was bothering the back of Alexi's mind. Sure she had gone under aliases before, had a knack for accents (not to mention that she was fluent in eighty-nine languages) and could lie, cheat and steal her way out of anything, but this was new. All of her other ventures before had concerned demons and vampires. Her own enemy. But this was an entirely new evil. These were humans, no matter what they did, they still had souls – technically.

ScaredReader: Uh oh. Our heroine is having _thoughts_. This is not good …

Alexi was so wrapped up in her thoughts that she didn't even notice someone behind her until he wrapped his arms around her.

"I missed you" Harry breathed into her ear.

SkeevedOutReader: That's disgusting. What if he just ate something garlic-ky?

AllReaders: (immaturely) Ewwww.

Alexi turned around in his arms and gave him a bright smile. "Me too" and gave him a sweet kiss.

SarcasticReader: (sing songs) Sweet like chocolate …

"What did Dumbledore want?" asked Harry with a look of concern in his eyes. Here Alexi shrugged and dropped her gaze down.

DirtyReader: Down where? Heh.

AllReaders: Oh, shut up.

"It was nothing. Don't worry" she said and leant in to kiss him again.

This then lead to full on macking out next to the Lake. In public. Ew.

What the couple didn't know however as they shared this passionate embrace was that a certain redhead was watching them from a sixth storey window.

IndignantReader: Pervert!

Ron watched jealously as Alexi and Harry kissed, wishing that it was him that Alexi was – oh god, I really can't go any further here – and not Harry. Rage and anger grew in him until he could no longer take it and stomped away angrily.

What the couple also didn't know was that Draco also just happened to be behind a convenient nearby bush, spying on the two with a made up periscope consisting of a milk carton with two holes in it and two mirrors stuck inside at specific angles so that they'd reflect perfectly off each other. You know, those periscopes? I'm sure you've made one before. If not, then you really have to give it a try. Sure, you look like an idiot walking around looking through that thing while bumping into couches and table legs, but it sure is fun! Anyway, Draco smirked at the prospect of knowing a way to get to Harry as well as getting Alexi whom he had fallen in love with over the past few weeks, despite only speaking to her once where she regarded him as something less than a used up toothbrush. But hey! She's beautiful! Ain't that enough?

ObservantReader: Someone's bitter!

Author: (takes a swig from a bottle) You have no idea. And shut up! (throws bottle towards general direction of ObservantReader)

Alexi goes on a contrived mission! With violent, gross results. You have been warned!  
P.S. Are there any Mary Sue C2s around? Help!

**Badfairy** – Haha, I'm considering banishing Alexi to that magic-free zone. And while Alexi's parentage might sees like an MS style plot hole, it really isn't. Because I have reasoned that Snape is Alexi's brother while Voldy is just her dad. Yes, Snape had a sister. And there's nothing you can do about it! Yes, I'm checking myself into the mental asylum soon. After I've finished this story. Promise!

**Anyadelacour** - I don't speak French. But Babelfish does! (foreshadowing for next chapter) Yes! I am formidable! Thank you so much for the wicked cool compliment in French. I can honestly say that you are the first to have done that. Love you! Yes, researching _completed_ MS fics are difficult. Help! I hate to disappoint you, but the next few chapters will be anything but mushy holiday season goodness.

**Freja**– Thanks for the help anyway!

**Music nerd** – Music nerd has come to read my HP story! And she has brought family along! Yay! Why aren't you allowed to post stuff? Thanks for the music trivia, I shall whip it out when I am at snooty dinner parties and impress all there with my incredible knowledge of music! Tamora Pierce is great, but I'm afraid I've lost track of her work in recent years. The last one I read was Trickster's Queen. Yes, there a lot of POTC references in this fic. The line you missed was "consider them marked" that someone in my fic says. Yeah, it's from Norrington, early in the first film when Gibbs is all "its bad luck to have a woman on board, even a miniature one. Mark my words!" DON'T kill your many selves dammit! Who will post me a billion of reviews each day then?

**theLostLyrics** – Believe me, this fic is straying _dangerously_ into MS territory. It's because I need a plotline - it can't all be mushy lovey, dovey stuff with me unfortunately (even though mushy lovey dovey stuff is what MS fics are all about).


	11. The MarySueOC Chapter 1

If "The O.C." and Harry Potter Collided – The Messy Messy Cringe-worthy Result

(A/N: Makes a good thesis title yeah? No? Okay then.)

So after reading a truly horrendous Mary Sue fanfic, I have come to the realisation (yes, another one), that there are many categories of Mary Sues. The one that I am focusing on in this chapter is "The O.C. Mary Sue" – the Mary Sue that does not have any other concern in life other than dating, love and sex.

This was also supposed to happen much later in the story, but yeah, I felt like I needed to get back to my roots.

I would like to write this chapter about this totally cool song I just heard. I think it's like, really poignant and beautiful and like, totally fits in with my story!

Come to me now

_And lay your hands over me_

_Even if it's a lie, saying we'll be alright_

_I shall believe_

_Broken in two_

_And I know you're unto me_

_That I only come home_

_When I'm so alone_

_Then I shall believe_

_That not everything is gonna be the way you think it's oughta be._

As the quatro –

AttentiveReader: Doesn't exactly have the same zing as 'trio' does it?

- walked back from Charms, they noticed a large gathering around a notice board.

AttentiveReader: Um, the FOUR of them! Last I checked, Alexi was still in the Hospital Wing, recovering from a 'fatal' wound!

CynicalReader: This is just the Author's way of apologising to those that had to read chapter 6.

AttentiveReader: She's a bit insecure and pathetic isn't she then?

Author: WHAT WAS THAT!

AttentiveReader: (points to CynicalReader and smiles innocently) It was her! I swear!

"I wonder what's going on" Harry said. Ron, as the Perma-Lookout, stood on his tip toes and read out for the other three, the sign.

"Halloween Ball. Instead of the usual Feast, Hogwarts will be holding a Ball instead. Dress theme will be: Muggle Formal. Something something about proper conduct and so forth. The usual junk they tell us."

AngryReader: Contrived, much? Muggle formal? (reaches for the cyanide)

ComfortingReader: No, don't! (smacks AngryReader's hand away from bottle) Look, we all know that a Ball had to come sooner or later. Despite the fact that the wizarding world is in the middle of a war and Hogwarts is a prime target for the Death Eaters, I'm sure Dumbledore has nothing better to do than to plan a Ball for his students.

TrendyReader: Sarcasm was so winter '05. It's 2006, sarcasm is no longer funny.

Author: Fudge you!

When Ron finished, they quickly moved away, making room for the jostling crowd. Alexi became excited at the idea of a Ball. She had never been to one before and this was going to be fun. But what was she going to wear? How was she going to do up her hair? What make-up was she going to have? And more importantly, who was she going to go with? Oh the trials and tribulations of teenagers!111!11 (A/N: So like, yeah, I totally don't know what 'tribulations' like, means. But I so do totally hope that it makes like, sense here!111111!oneone!11)

Alexi and Hermione discussed the Ball excitedly all the way to the Gryffindor Common Room, their conversation frequently punctured with loud annoying giggles. Like the really ear-jarring ones girls make when you pass them by that make you hope to whatever deity you believe in up there that you will never ever emit any sound bearing any resemblance to the one you've just heard. It goes like this "Eee er hahahahahahar!" Anyway, the four of them made it up to the Common Room without any Muting Charm incidents. The two girls hurriedly joined the growing throng of giggling girls in the middle of the Common Room while the boys hung around the edges, awkwardly pretending to avoid the whole thing together.

"Who're you going to ask mate?" Ron asked Harry. Harry's eyes lingered over to Alexi's smiling face.

"Oh, I might have someone in mind"

Ron, oblivious as a rabbit in front of an oncoming car, was puzzled. Then he followed Harry's gaze. Anger rose within him. He loved Alexi. There was no way that Harry was going to steal her away from him. He left Harry staring at Alexi while he walked moodily away.

NitpickyReader: Uh, aren't they already going out? So shouldn't the whole "going together" thing implied?

ConfusedReader: Perhaps there needs to be some sort of official invitation. Like "I would like to cordially invite you to accompany me, Harry James Potter to the Halloween Ball. I would very much enjoy the pleasure of your company on the 31st of October at 7pm."

NitpickyReader: Yessss …

Ron stomped sulkily to his dormitory. He had to come up with a plan to woo Alexi. Yes, I just used the word woo. And yes I also know that I am not a 56 year old spinster who lives with a billion cats and spends the day reading Mills and Boon novels. Ron flopped onto his bed and stared at the canopy above him thinking. What could he do to impress Alexi?

Meanwhile, as Hermione and Alexi settled down to do their homework, they found it difficult to start for the Ball was only two days away and there was so much to discuss!

"So you and Harry are definitely going to go together?" Hermione asked. Alexi blushed and nodded.

"But we still have to talk about it first. We haven't even said a word to each other since we found out!"

"Well, what are you waiting for? Go and talk to him about it!" Hermione encouraged excitedly. Alexi smiled happily and agreed. She went to the portrait to exit the Common Room, hoping to catch Harry in the hallways as he came back from Quidditch practice which conveniently finished about … now.

"You promise me you'll do this?"

"Of course, just remember to keep your promise."

"Oh, I will. You have my word."

24Fan: (snicker)

Author: What?

This conversation that took place in a dark corridor was between Ron and Padma Patil. Ron had finally decided on a Plan To Woo Alexi and as soon as he did, he jumped off his bed and out of the Common Room in search of Padma. Ron found her in the Library and quickly offered his proposition.

"So let me get this straight", said Padma for the benefit of everyone who happens to not have privy to the Author's mind.

"You want me be at the sixth floor corridor with a camera?"

"Yes that's right," said Ron. "When I give you the signal".

"Which will be …?" asked Padma.

Author: Ahhh … ooh! (gets idea)

"Er, forget the signal, just come at five okay?" stammered Ron.

Author: Heh. (self satisfied smirk)

ReadingBetweenTheLinesReader: You know, from what I'm gathering, that was hardly a Plan To Woo. More like a plan to, I don't know, sabotage? Ruin people's lives.

Author: Hey! I took a year long break; forgive me if I forgot what I was initially planning okay?

SpitefulReader: You're right, you've lost some of your snarky touch.

Author: Shut up! (cries)

As Alexi walked through the corridors of the school, looking for Harry, her thoughts started to drift towards the upcoming ball. Hanging in her closet was a beautiful white dress that her parents –

Author: Waitaminute, have I killed off her parents?

StudiousReader: Ah, yep.

- was a beautiful white dress that she had mail ordered. The catalogue wasn't your ordinary one, but one with a holographic saleswitch and holographic dresses that you could actually try on. Alexi bought the dress a week before when the Gryffindor girls got hold of one of these catalogues. Look, it was as contrived and incredulous as it sounds okay? And I may have stolen that idea off another fic mmkay?

As Alexi got to the sixth floor corridor, she saw that it was getting dark outside. Lost in her thoughts, Alexi wasn't exactly aware of where her feet were taking her or whatever redheads were standing in shadowed corners.

"Hello Alexi" said Ron, stepping out of a dark niche that held the statue of Nelsor the Narcolept.

"Oh hello Ron!" exclaimed Alexi in surprise. "What are you doing here?"

"Well" Ron replied slowly. "I was actually looking for you. Um, I mean, I just wanted to ask you something." Ron stammered and looked nervous. His ears were turning red.

Alexi gave a shy, indulgent smile. "Look Ron" she began, but never got to finish as right at that moment, the bell tower that was right outside the windows started to toll.

BING! BING! BING!

It was five o' clock. Alexi and Ron stood there sheepishly waiting for the bell to stop ringing as any conversation during that time would be utterly pointless.

BING! BING!

It finally finished. Alexi opened her mouth again to say whatever she was going to say when she was cut off by Ron's lips pressing on hers. Her body froze and blood started to rush loudly through her ears. She stood shocked and a little repulsed –

RonFan: Hey!

- but was brought out of it when there was a loud _snap! _Alexi turned towards the source of the sound and pushed Ron roughly away from her. There was Padma Patil, with a large camera on her hands.

Padma: Ooh, snap baby!

And with that, Padma turned and ran; giggling like the maniac that all us ficcers know she really is.

Alexi could not believe what had just happened. She gaped at Ron who had a greasy smile plastered to his face, as if he knew he might get lucky again. Alexi couldn't speak for a moment, but that moment passed as she slapped Ron across the face and ran off crying.

UnsympatheticReader: Um why would she be crying? I'd be more angry than sad.

SympatheticReader: They're called 'angry tears' doofus.

Harry was walking merrily along the grounds, minding his own being and just generally being the good guy that he is. He was enjoying his quiet solitude when THWIP! Something sharp hit the back of his head. He turned and looked down to see a large document envelope that had evidently hit his head due to a badly aimed spell. You know, the one that's sends stuff away. Oh, I forget, but lets just call it the _Movus Awayus_ charm.

Intrigued, Harry bent down to pick up the envelope when he noticed a presence coming slinkily towards him. He turned towards his left and saw Padma Patil walking towards him in a manner that can only be described as seductive.

GrossedOutReader: Ew.

"Hey Harry. Fancy seeing you here all alone tonight" she said when she came near him.

"Yes" said Harry, a little embarrassed at her forwardness.

ChauvinisticReader: Er, what is this, the 18th century? All chicks are skanks nowadays!

Everyone: …

Author: …

Everyone: …

Author: I would just like to say that I do not believe nor condone that thought.

"I was just taking a walk and this hit me on the back of the head" indicating the envelope. "Is this from you?" Harry asked.

"Why yes it is" Padma replied. "I'm sure you'll find it very … ah, interesting" she said before leaving him with a rather suggestive smile.

Curious, Harry opened the envelope to find pictures. Upon inspecting them closer, his heart stopped. They were pictures of the one true love of his life kissing his best friend! How could this happen! All at once, his heart broke to be consumed with a fiery anger. Oh they'll pay for this, they both will. He set a determined grimace on his face as he went after Padma.

InterestedReader: Um, why are suddenly so anti-Padma and anti-Ron all of a sudden?

SmartReader: Every bad soap-y, O.C. type story has to have bad guys and good guys, no matter how two dimensional they are.

GroundedReader: What happened to Voldemort? Hello! These kids are in mortal peril and the most important thing on their minds is a freaking ball? Come on!

AdultReader: Teenagers.

THE NIGHT OF THE BALL!11oneone!11!

It was the night of the ball –

Cynicalreader: Yeah, coz I totally couldn't tell, what with that blaring headline and all.

- and the girls were excitedly getting ready.

DespondentReader: And this is where we will get into obsessive detail about everyone's dresses.

Hermione, who was breaking from tradition, because we all know what a modern feminist she is –

SnickeringReader: Or the Author just couldn't pair her up with someone.

- was going alone. She wore a beautiful pink …

Author: You know what? I'm sure you've all seen GoF (and if you haven't, get out. Get out right now because you don't belong here) so Hermione wore what she wore to the Yule Ball. I'm lazy okay, and that WAS a beautiful dress.

Alexi on the other hand, wore an elegant white gown. Consisting of a silk inner layer and a chiffon outer layer, the dress fitted her shapely figure quite snugly. The top part of the bodice was a ruched, chiffon cowl that sparkled with the numerous tiny pearls painstakingly sewn on. Probably sewn on by elf labour, but that is neither here nor there. The rest of the bodice held a beautiful and intricate pattern of embroidered leaves that was accented by tiny pearl encrusted flowers. The outer chiffon layer opened at the waist to reveal the silk petticoat underlayer. The back of the dress was left to be oh-so-subtly covered by the thin layer of chiffon.

SnarkyReader: And here the Author has just described her formal dress.

Her hair –

MortifiedReader: Not the hair! Oh god, we're not even done yet! Oh god, not the hair!

AllReaders: (black out until the description is over)

Her dark tresses were left to flow freely around her bare shoulders. The soft curls were decorated with tiny silver flowers that made her glorious head shimmer. Her soft skin was accentuated by …

(Three paragraphs later the overlylong description of Alexi's appearance is over)

AllReaders: (awaken in relief)

Alexi inspected herself in the mirror appreciatively. She always knew she was beautiful –

ResentfulReader: And conceited.

- but dang. She cleaned up REAL well. Like ridiculously well. Like I'm-so-jealous well.

Hermione came up behind her and smiled in delight at her friend.

"Wow!" she gasped "you look beautiful Alexi!"

Alexi smiled and returned the compliment.

"Are you sure that there isn't some lucky guy down there that you're not telling me about?"

Hermione only smiled mischievously in return. As Alexi was about to ask her the meaning for this rather cryptic expression, Hermione had walked out the door and down the stairs. Alexi sighed, smoothed her dress down and followed her.

OH NO! What is going to happen? Who will Alexi spend the night with - Harry or Ron? And is there a special someone for our 'mione? And where the heck is Larry? And how come the fact that Alexi is related to Snape never even mentioned again? And how is it that I went through an entire chapter without mentioning the colour of Alexi's eyes? Stay tuned, my babies!

Review? Please?


	12. The MarySueOC Chapter 2

If "The O.C." and Harry Potter Collided – The Messy Messy Cringe-worthy Result – Part 2

A/N: KAGEEBAS! Yes, this is the second part to my experiment. It was supposed to be inserted into the story a bit later, but circumstances changed.

You will find out what happened after the kiss between Ron and Alexi in the next chapter as we resume with our normal story.

Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns Harry Potter, I certainly do not own the O.C. and a certain paragraph was written by the lovely _**music nerd**_.

As the girls walked into the newly transformed Great Hall, they both gasped in pleasure and surprise. It was beautiful. Like dangerously beautiful. And if you can't get a clear picture of what 'dangerously beautiful' is, then I'm not going to tell you.

CynicalReader: That or the Author can't be bothered to write lengthy descriptions, preferring to focus more on _plot_ and _storylines_. Which, might I add is very unMary Sue-like.

Author: FINE!

Because it was Halloween, the entire Great Hall had a luscious, almost gothic look to it. The great arch windows on either side were festooned with …

Author: No! I can't do this! I would rather die! (screams and struggles while the nice men in white coats drag her away) You will never make me write cheesy overlylong descriptions of useless crap!

(Days later)

Author: Ahem. I have been given a pardon by the Mary Sue High Court. I have been reprimanded for my refusal to write a _necessary_ Mary Sue description, but I have to make up for it in some other way. They mentioned the dreaded "L" word, which I will be putting off as long as possible. On with the show!

The two girls looked at each other and giggled. Because giggling is all that girls do. Really. Take it from someone who has the double X chromosomes! Hee hee! Har har!

As the girls took their seats at their designated tables, Alexi began to worry. She hadn't seen Harry or Ron yet. About to turn to her left and tell Hermione about all her troubles, she found that her place was empty!

Alexi felt tears prick her eyes. How could Hermione do this?1! Just when she needed her, she just went off and left her! Selfish bee-yotch! She was determined NEVER to talk to her so-called friend EVAH AGAIN!

AstonishedReader: Um, over reacting much?

Alexi then saw her beloved Harry walk through the giant doors. And who was on his arm but Padma Patil!

AttentiveReader: I knew it!

DisgruntledReader: Anyone with half a brain knew it poppet.

Padma looked overjoyed at this, despite the fact that she had been Harry's partner before. Harry looked slightly uncomfortable as he scanned the Hall for his darling girlfriend.

Alexi now truly felt like crap. Afraid that she'd burst out crying in front of all these people, she buried her face in her hands and dashed out of the Hall. Unfortunately, she had hidden her face just as Harry's gaze swept towards her direction. He missed her as she ducked behind the tables and sped out of the Hall.

DrunkenReader: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I'm hungry.

Once outside, Alexi took refuge on a nearby bench that was conveniently concealed behind an even more convenient topiary. There she cried and cried. She cried about as hard as the time that I woke up from my dream that I had my Driver's Licence taken off me after a month of getting it. It was heartbreaking, truly it was.

CuriousReader: What was?

SympatheticReader: (wipes tear from eyes) Does it matter? It was heartbreaking! That's all that needs to be said! WAAAAH, poor poor Alexi.

How could Harry do this to her? They were in love! She could not believe that he had cheated on her! She tried to control herself when she heard soft footsteps behind her. It was Draco.

NonDracoFans: EWWW!

DracoFans: What is wrong with Draco?

HarryFans: He's no Harry.

(DracoFans battle HarryFans. RonFans stand at the sidelines and laugh. Evilly)

He rudely sat himself down next to her and took her into his arms. Pity wrenched at his heart as he observed her beautiful tear stained face. Alexi, too shocked from her _heartbreaking_ cry could not do much but settle herself into his warm embrace.

DracoFans: (rising triumphantly from battle) Swoon!

RealistReader: Can you actually imagine Draco being all … Oh I give up. Who the hell am I kidding? Realism has no place in a Mary Sue fic!

"I love you Alexi Winters!" Draco whispered into the crying girl's ear.

AstonishedReader: WHAT!

SarcasticReader: I (sighs). I'm too old for this. I can't even feign surprise anymore.

Alexi's body stiffened. She tore herself away from him and slapped him across the face. Who the heck was he?

"How dare you take advantage of me! I don't even know you! How can you love me!" she yelled at him hysterically.

"I've loved you since I first saw you. You are the light of my life. I want to spend the rest of my life with you Alexi. Marry me!" and with that, Draco knelt down in front of her and produced a GIANT diamond ring.

MaterialsticReader: He's rich! Go for it!

Unable to say anything, Alexi stood speechless until somebody else came onto the scene. It was Ron.

"Alexi! Are you okay? I thought I heard your voice." Then he saw Draco kneeling in front of her. Putting two and two together to make twenty-two, Ron whipped out his wand and pointed it at Draco.

"Stand up and explain to me why you are trying to attack Alexi with a diamond ring!"

RonFans: Ah, sweet stupid Ron.

Draco stood up and took out his own wand too. It looked like they were about to duel until Draco, being the sneaky bastard that he is, cursed Ron into an oblivion.

"Aargh!"

Ron was blasted off his feet and landed in a bush.

"Ron!" Alexi squealed and ran over to him. All of this commotion attracted another person to the scene. It was Harry.

"What on earth is going on here?"

Alexi, seeing as there was not much for her to do here, ran off.

Alexi ran and ran, unable to find a seat and bush convenient as the last one. She despaired until she heard some sounds. Very suspicious, gross, slurpy sounds. Rounding the corner, she saw who Hermione had abandoned her for. There, in front of her was Hermione and Neville making out!

Alexi, horrified, ran off again.

LiteraryReferenceReader: All this horrified running is getting to Alice in Wonderland proportions!

Whether Hermione or Neville noticed her remains unknown, but the mere fact that we know makes it bad enough.

As she ran sobbing her little Mary Sue heart out, Alexi collapsed from exhaustion from all the strenuous crying. As she sat on the ground weeping, she didn't notice somebody come up behind her.

"What's wrong Alexi?"

AngryReader: What's wrong! What's wrong! We've come this far into the chapter and (gurgling sound) argh! (Has what is most likely a stroke)

CalmReader: Dude, you need to get your blood pressure under control.

Alexi turned around and saw the love of her life standing there.

AnnoyedReader: Prat! It was him that started this whole thing!

ComplacentReader: Can you really say that though?

AnnoyedReader: I don't know, this chapter is so convoluted, I have no idea what's going on.

Author: (Mr Burns style) Excellent.

At seeing her face, Harry sat down and held her, with much better results than when Draco attempted it.

"Dance with me" he murmured into her ear.

HarryFans: Swoon!

Alexi complied mutely and stood up. Harry led her back to the Hall where the strains of a popular song could be heard.

PollTakingReader: Okay, vote for your favourite teeny bopper pop song. SMS your choice to 192 MARYSUE. Hmm, the votes are in and we have –

_Don't cha wish your girlfriend was HAWT like me?_

ReaderWithGoodMusicTaste: Oh dear GOD!

_Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?_

ReaderWithGoodMusicTaste: Dear lord no.

Luckily, burlesque-themes Muggle musical group, The Pussycat Dolls weren't actually _there. _Or maybe they were. I _was _wondering why there were hookers at a boarding school ball. Anyway, the dancing, was HAWT, like me, unlike your girlfriend.

Alexi and Harry danced. And when you have seen drunken dancing to bad music, you'll know what I mean. But for the benefit of those innocent readers, it's like this:

Grind. Grind. Thrust. Shake. Shimmy. Grind. Thrust. Thrust. Shake some more.

Appalling no?

Alexi relished in Harry's warn touch. Tendrils of pleasure emanated from where they made contact to travel all the way down to her toes like electricity. She gasped in satisfaction from his presence. She could feel the steady beating of his heart and felt her own begin to quicken. Starting to get breathless, Alexi faltered.

"Do you need to get some air?" Harry whispered into her ear. Nodding her assent, Harry led Alexi to the side.

AllReaders: Swoon! (Fans themselves)

Once there, Alexi sat down while Harry got her something to drink. What was going on? She was in such a state of confusion. First he kisses her, then he doesn't talk to her about the Ball, then he shows up with _Padma_ _Patil _and now he's dancing with her! Seeing Harry return with drinks in hand, she stood up to confront him.

"What is going on? I demand to know why I'm being treated like this!" she shrieked like a harpy. Harry hesitated and sat down.

"Alexi, I have something to tell you." Noticing his grave body language, she did so.

"Alexi, I love you. I'm sorry for being such a prat and not talking to you and showing up with Padma, but I saw what you did."

Confused, Alexi gave him her most adorable "I'm an idiot girl" stare.

"Pictures, Alexi. Pictures of you kissing my best friend!"

Realisation dawned on Alexi then. "Oh Harry, I'm so sorry. He tricked me into it! I pushed him away as soon as I could and slapped him, but not before Padma took a picture of us! It was all set up! I WAS SET UP! DAMMIT!" as she said this, tears began to fill her eyes.

AnnoyedReader: COME ON! Pull it together bee-yotch!

SmartReader: Ah, but ALL Mary Sues must cry. A lot. You know, to show that even under that 'tough' exterior, they are still _vulnerable_ and _fragile_ and need to be _protected_ by men. Disgusting really.

Harry could not stay mad at her! I mean, look at her! She's beautiful! And sad! And crying! There is nothing that turns Harry on more than kissing crying girls. And this time was no exception. He took her into his arms and kissed her passionately.

CringingReader: And here comes another excruciatingly detailed account of the kiss. Why is this even necessary?

Bursts of colour sparked across her eyes as he kissed her passionately, automatically closing without any accord. She reciprocated his ardour emphatically until they broke off. Her head tilted back and a groan escaped her lips as Harry trailed soft kisses across Alexi's jaw. His lips captured Alexi's again in a gentle kiss, warm and affectionate, full of promise and tenderness, so heartrendingly, achingly beautiful that she felt like she might cry. She trembled visibly, her lips tingling with this novel use, with a shiver fizzing pleasantly down her spine.

HornyReader: That. Was. Hot.

HarryFans: Uh huh.

Author: And not written by me. That fantastic marvel of a paragraph was cleverly and beautifully concocted by **music nerd** – awesome writer and crazy reviewer. Kudos goes to her.

CynicalReader: I noticed that that wasn't the Author's form of writing. Maybe it's because she has never even ki-

Author: (whips out machete menacingly)

CynicalReader: Eeep! I'll be good.

So yeah, they kissed. Like that. In front of a crap load of people.

When they broke apart, Alexi knew that no words needed to be spoken. They loved each other with the fieriest of passions -

JadedReader: And lust.

- and knew that they were made for each other. They were soulmates, destined to be together for eternity. Harry held her face in his hands, trailing his fingers along her soft skin.

"I have a gift for you" he said before slipping something on her finger.

DisbelievingReader: Two marriage proposals in as many minutes? Incredible!

Alexi looked down at her _right_ ring finger. It was a large blue jewel surrounded by small diamonds.

"Oh, it's beautiful Harry!"

"It was my mother's. It was the engagement ring my father gave to her. The blue signifies unity while the diamonds represent eternity."

NitpickyReader: Um, where did he get it?

RelishingMomentReader: Oh, who cares! It's sweet and contrived! What more could you ask for?

Alexi could not speak for joy and continued to admire her gift. "Thank you" was all that she could utter at last before kissing him again. At that moment, Alexi felt herself wrenched backwards forcefully.

"What the hell do you think you're doing you whore!"

Alexi turned around to face a furious Padma.

"What do you think you're doing, kissing Harry?"

LogicalReader: I would be madder at Harry than Alexi. He was the one cheated on her - in her eyes - you know.

UnderstandingReader: Yeah, but that wouldn't lead to a catfight. CAT FIGHT! CAT FIGHT! MEE OWW!

Padma charged towards Alexi in front of the now silent Great Hall with everyone watching in shock. There was to be much hair pulling, clawing and shoving, despite the fact that they can do magic and Alexi has all her Super Powers and all. They kept at it, steadily moving outside to a pool - that no-one before this night - even knew existed.

"Eeee!"

"Aargh!"

"You whore!"

"Skank!"

"Crazy psychopath!"

"Toast eater!"

" ... What!"

Finally, they were at the edge of the pool when they both toppled over. Even then, they kept trying to kill each other by pushing the other's perfectly coiffured heads below the water.

SighingReader: Why does this always happen?

CynicalReader: This WAS called the 'O.C. Chapter' you know. Be glad that at least one of them didn't become a lesbian for no reason.

ReaderWithGoodTasteInTV: The O.C. sucks. More people should be watching Veronica Mars, dang it!

CynicalReader: Subliminal messaging much?

It was only then that Dumbledore took control and separated the two using magic. Levitating them both up into the air and then to the sides of the pool, Dumbledore strode forward with a most displeasing look on his face.

"Explain yourself ladies!"

What occurred next has absolutely nothing to do with the romance plot so shall be skipped. Suffice to say that both Alexi and Padma were reprimanded.

AFTER THE BALL!111!one!1

The now dry Alexi sat in the Common Room with Harry. They were talking when Ron, Hermione and Padma walked in. Ron and Padma looked sheepish, both hesitating to speak. It was Padma however, that broke the silence.

"I'm very sorry Alexi for doing that. I had absolutely no right and now I realise that Harry loves you. I'm sorry. You two are meant for each other."

"I accept your apology Padma" said Alexi kindly.

OOCPatrolReader: WHAT THE HELL! I … just …

PlacatingReader: Deep breaths, steady there. Just know that the Author has to wrap this up ASAP and she can't be bothered to lengthen this any further. It's part and parcel of being a Mary Sue writer, you know.

OCPatrolReader: What? The complete and utter OOCness?

PlacatingReader: Bang on.

Next was Ron, who mumbled out an apology. "I'm sorry too Alexi, and you Harry. It was wrong to break you two up, whatever my feelings may be. I am now determined to be happy for you two."

HappyReader: Aw, how understanding and sweet!

Harry and Alexi forgave Ron and sent him away. Now it was Hermione's turn.

"Now what are you sorry for?" Alexi asked.

"I'm sorry for kissing Neville. Your romance storyline is the most important one and I had no right to detract the readers from that with my own sub-storyline."

All was forgiven in Gryffindor house and the quatro retired gratefully to bed.

The whole ring idea was inspired by a certain Claddagh ring given to another sixteen year old.

REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW! And answer me a burning question, has there EVER been a Mary Sue fic that has been completed? Hmm, must do some research …

Anyadelacour – Yes, I am feeling uber-lucky and loved here! And because this is your summer holidays, DO NOT apologise for hanging out with your chums. At least you HAVE a social life and are not stuck at home in front of the computer! Hmm, you know, I have NOT thought about the whole Alexi-Snape thing in ages. Maybe I should bring that up again?

Mageintheshadows – Cool name! And thank you for the ton of reviews! You rock! Yay, Sparklypoo! That comic was my inspiration. It's funny that you mention stabbing Alexi in your review for chapter 3. Foreshadowing, much? Chapter 6 was written after a runaway obsession with the movie 'Blade'. Yeah, I'm not proud of that chapter. So that's where Deacon Frost comes from. Plot holes are synonymous with Mary Sue stories. I put them in on, ah, purpose. Ahem.


	13. Chapter 13

A/N: From now on, this fic will be considerably a lot LESS mushy for the sake of the plot. Yeah, I know that Mary Sues never have plots, much less COMPLETED plots, but I'm breakin' the mould here. While sacrificing my parody status. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED PEEPS!

'Scene'Reader: Gross! She just used the word 'peeps.' That is SO 1999!

Disclaimer: Remember in 'The OC chapter Part 2' where Harry gives Alexi a gift? That ring? Yes, I forgot to mention that that was actually **La Thumbelina's** idea. I thought I'd mention that before she comes and kicks my arse. Thank you La Thumbelina! I love you!

Alexi entered the dorm with her face flushed from – well, you know what.

LiberatedReader: Prude! Just say it dagnabbit! They were kiiiiisssiiiing! Oooh!

ImmatureReader: Harry and Alexi, sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

The only one already there was Hermione who had just finished her homework and was writing in her diary. Because, like, all girls keep a diary!

"You've been in Dumbledore's office all this time? What did he want?" asked Hermione incredulously.

"Oh, I left about an hour ago" said Alexi dreamily as she absent-mindedly collected her bedclothes.

"And what exactly have you been doing since then?" asked Hermione shrewdly with narrowed eyes and a mischievous grin. For she had also seen Harry and Alexi kissing by the Lake.

AnnoyedReader: Ugh, who didn't see?

SmartAlecReader: I'm sure Mr. Filch was busy with Mrs. Norris. If you know what I mean, and I think you do!

Alexi turned sharply at Hermione and gasped. Hermione laughed. "Your secret is safe with me Alexi. I know about you and Harry".

SnarkyReader: Yeah, her and about the rest of the Hogwarts population.

"How? For how long?" asked Alexi with wide eyes, placing a delicate, shapely, perfectly manicured hand over her mouth.

"Since you came back from the Hospital Wing. Don't look so scared! I'm happy for you. Aren't you happy?"

Alexi had to take a seat. "Yes of course I'm happy. Who else knows? Does Ron – "

"Ron? Pfft! That boy is as oblivious as a Smurf at a beach. –

AllReaders: … o0

Author: I like Smurfs?

- I haven't told anyone. Why should it bother you that Ron might know? Which he doesn't" she assured Alexi hastily.

(Insert exposition which we already know. You know when Ron KISSED Alexi!)

"Oh don't worry about him. Ron is not the jealous type" assured Hermione.

IncredulousReader: Is she on CRACK? That is the biggest lie ever!

"Oh good" sighed Alexi "it's just that …"

"Yes?" Hermione asked expectantly, taking a seat next to Alexi. She turned to face Hermione dead on.

"How do you know when you're in love?"

AllReaders: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Cheesy!

Hermione smiled. "I knew it was love! Oh my gosh, you love him! Hee hee hee heeeeeeeeee!" Gathering herself together, Hermione continued "With love, I think you just _know_. When there is nothing more important than that person's happiness, I think it's love. Why? Are you really in love with Harry?"

AstoundedReader: Since when did Hermione have a memory of a fish?

CynicalReader: When the Author needed a good segue into the next line that she'd undoubtedly been dying to use for a long time.

It was this question that truly brought it home to Alexi.

"I don't know. Maybe" she smiled mysteriously.

ALEXI'S MISSION THAT WILL **NOT **PROVE TO BE POINTLESS BUT IN FACT **WILL** LEAD TO MUCH LARGER THINGS TO COME

Ethel Moonshine sat in an obscure corner of "De kroezige rat" _(1)_, an up-class bar at Hogsmeade that had previously been looked over in the past six – soon to be – seven books. Crisp, white tablecloths adorned the small round tables that were occupied by numerous canoodling couples, surrounded her. Each table, filled with sparkling glasses and shiny silverware, only added to the luscious décor of the place. Vast crystal chandeliers hung from the vaulted ceilings that had a faint gold shimmer to it, a theme that continued to the walls. The place was well lighted, the clear glow magically emanating from the beautiful chandeliers being reflected back by the mirrors that adorned most of the walls.

IncredulousReader: What the hell was that?

MarySueExpertReader: That was a uselessly detailed description of a location that will only feature for, like, half a chapter. They are commonly found to pop up in every Mary Sue fic, frequently.

As Alexi was a Transfigure-a-whatsits, a Metamorpha-something - Oh you know, the thing that Tonks was? My books are in storage at the moment so I can't be bothered to look for the correct term. As Alexi was _that_, she changed her dark hair to a bright blonde and her purple eyes to a vibrant green. She wore a backless, red dress that dipped quite mercilessly, showing way too much cleavage for a teeny-bopper sixteen year old. The dress hugged her perfect figure nicely, falling into generous folds of material at the hips which swayed as she walked. Her hair was styled into careless soft curls that trailed deliciously along her back and oh god it sounds like I'm writing a Mills and Boone novel.

SavvyReader: You are. Except you're not getting paid for it and it's being posted on the internet.

Let's just make this less painful for both of us and say she looked stunning and nothing like Alexi. Not to say that Alexi isn't stunning (she is in fact ridiculously stunning), but just a different kind of stunning. A blonde kind of stunning then. God, I hate blondes.

BlondeReader: Hey!

Author: Sorry. (mutters) Stupid blonde.

Alexi sat watching the other patrons of the club, sipping a drink, which considering the rating for the fic, is totally non-alcoholic. But we all know it's not.

HitchHiker'sGuideToTheGalaxyFan: It was a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster!

AllReaders: Nerd!

She was waiting for the informant that would be delivering the package, to arrive. Since the informant had the Dark Mark imprinted on him, and that all who had the Dark Mark imprinted on them has a sort of telekinesis thing happening where they could sort of sniff each other out, Alexi would know who the informant was.

AttentiveReader: They do? Since when? And what if some random Death Eater just decided to go for a drink after a hard day's work of the nefarious planning of evil schemes and the torture of Muggles?

SympatheticReader: Then Alexi would indeed be screwed. (whispers) Plothole, plothole.

Alexi-as-Ethel enjoyed the surroundings until something tugged her mind. She followed this thread and read the mind of a man. Because she has the Skill. Go back to her list of powers if you don't know what that is! She turned to face him and sent him a message via her Skill.

_/ You've kept me waiting for way too long. /_

The man startled and Alexi smirked at this. Because she likes to do that. He began to navigate his way towards her table. He was in his late thirties, brown hair, brown eyes, a little under 6', built, probably likes to watch the Idol series, likes to eat Coco Pops for breakfast and probably snores as well. Altogether rather indistinguishable from the next average Joe, making him a good informant.

"Vous avez ce que je veux ?"_(2) _Alexi asked the man roughly.

Author: I love Babelfish!

PersnickityReader: Er, why is she talking in French?

Author: Because it's cool and I love Babelfish okay?

"Yes, I do" he stammered. She indicated to him to take a seat. He did. In a very nervous and shifty way I might add. Alexi-as-Ethel gave the universal sign for "another drink here please!" to the waiter who passed by. A few moments passed in silence wherein the two eyed each other cautiously.

NervousReader: _Aw-kward!_

The waiter came with the drink and the man sipped warily.

"You must know that I am not a patient person. Where is the information?" Alexi said after a few more moments of silence passed by.

"It's at a safe place nearby. Did you think that I would really be stupid enough to bring it here without any confirmation of my end of the deal?"

Alexi took the briefest moment to think about this. Why hadn't she thought of what the delivery guy wanted in return?

CynicalReader: Because the Author forgot also.

SavvyReader: Why should the delivery guy want something in return? Shouldn't the delivery guy, who is also a Death Eater and the person that Alexi-as-Ethel is taking the place of, be on the same side? This is making no sense!

CluedInReader: Speaking of which, what DID happen to the guy that Alexi-as-Ethel took the place of?

Author: Shit.

Alexi thought quickly, an unusual trait for a Maree-Suu. "You'll get what you want as soon as I get what I want."

SmartReader: Nice.

Author: Thank you.

The man looked incredulous. "You're kidding me right? I am not spending another night having seizures from withdrawal pains."

An addict. It seems that the effects of a 12 hour Deadwood marathon had finally manifested itself in this fic. Although, an addict in the employ of the Dark Lord was an interesting fact. Why would Voldemort, whom all deemed so powerful and smart have an addict as a follower who could be bought by pretty much anyone?

CleverReader: You know, a good way to lessen the effect of plotholes is to AVOID DRAWING ATTENTION TO THEM!

Author: So I didn't think this one through very well, can you blame me?

Gee, they're just giving those Dark Marks away.

CityReader: "Gee" who says that anymore? Except for hillbillies who marry their own brothers.

HillbillyReader: Hey! (Insert own incestuous comment)

"Oh believe me, you'll receive your payment." Alexi held out her hand that really contained nothing, but she had spelled it to show whatever her informant wanted to see. If this sounds weirdly far-fetched, remember when Dumbledore showed those papers to Tom Riddle's orphanage-keeper? Yeah, I've read the books. Although not enough to know what her name was or whether the term "orphanage-keeper" is even correct. I have a strong suspicion that it is not.

A hungry look came into his eyes as he reached for it, but Alexi snapped her hand shut.

"You'll get much more when I get my documents." He obliged and left the table, leaving Alexi with the bill. Jerk.

As Alexi followed the man down numerous dark alleyways to what she imagined would be an abandoned warehouse -

CluedInReader: Does EVERYTHING nefarious happen in abandoned warehouses?

ParentReader: Yup. Either abandoned warehouses or underground parking lots. Never go into either alone.

- she realised that a clingy evening dress was not the best butt-kicking attire. But her fashion contemplations were interrupted when the man entered a side door to a, yep, you guessed it, abandoned warehouse. It was dark and she could no longer see her informant. Her heart rate quickened as well as her breathing, but she made her self calm down as she walked further into the gloom.

AnnoyedReader: Idiot! Who would do that?

SmartAssReader: Alexi, obviously. Duh!

"Hello?" she called out, but knew no more as her world darkened around her.

SarcasticReader: Yes, because all chapter cliffhangers should end in a blackout. I swear that there is some medical reasoning that states that too many blackouts can lead to brain damage.

MedicalReader: Wait, are you distinguishing the difference between blackouts and losing unconsciousness? Because I don't think you are.

SarcasticReader: There's a difference?

(Silence in the ReaderRoom and therefore the Author's brain as she cannot answer a question asked by another part of her brain and is too lazy to Google it.)

(1) According to the good people at Babelfish, this is Dutch for "The Kinky Rat." Ha.  
(2)"You have what I want?"

Okay, I just found a delicious plethora of Harry Potter Sues, thanks to the good folks at C-squared, or whatever. You know that feeling where you're reading a fic and you cry and curse the person who decided that MST-ing stories aren't okay anymore? Yeah, I get that constantly and am continually hitting the "Back" button lest the wind changes and I am stuck with Perma-Grimace for the rest of my life.

Does MST have anything to do with Mystery Science Theatre or am I just the biggest geek without a life out here?

**theLostLyrics** – Okay, I've found my plotline (I'm usually a few chapters ahead of what I post). And yes, it is every bit as contrived and lame, so I really hope it works. Those periscopes are awesome eh?  
**Anyadelacour** – I remember learning German in Year 7 where a good buddy of mine once said, during a lesson when we were learning to say what pets we had, said "Ich bin hund." Unfortunately, this means "I am a dog" instead of "I have a dog." As you can imagine, being the ruthless 12 year olds we were, we teased her to no end about it. Yea, next few chapters, the 'romance' mushy goodness will, unfortunately be quite absent, but I'm hoping to compensate by having a lot of Reader comments. Have fun at camp and see you in two weeks!  
**La Thumbelina** – Oh, wow. Is my face red or what? I totally should have known that 'quatro' was wrong. Thank you so much for telling me. I knew it sounded wrong for some reason. Can't believe that I didn't realise it, even when a semi-close friend of mine is actually PART of a quartet (string ensemble thingy). Shall change that ASAP. YES! The whole ring thing _is_ a (SPOILER) mood ring (SPOILER)! And it was from you! So I stole your idea! Sorry. But I did add a disclaimer for you at the top of this chapter. And I'll give you a cookie as well as a signed photo from Larry.


	14. The Dark Mary Sue Chapter 1

The Dark!Mary Sue chapter – Part 1

A/N: Yes kids, these next chapters will be very dark, so if that's not your cup of tea, LEAVE IMMEDIATELY! Okay, please don't leave!

Alexi painfully opened her eyes to find a bright light shining directly into her eyes. It took her a moment to adjust her senses to her surroundings. She felt groggy, an after-effect of the spell that she didn't hear, she supposed. She was magically bound to a chair, in a small dark room from what she could see.

DirtyReader: Hmm, sounds like my Friday nights!

AllReaders: (nervously back away as they finally realise never to reply when asked "Hey, look what I found in my bedroom last night!" by DirtyReader)

Alexi groaned and felt a cup pressed to her lips. She drank the blood-temperature water offered to her without any hesitation.

CautiousReader: Hello? Poison? Sodium Pentathol?

AiryReader: Sodium Pentathol? Does that even exist?

ChemistryNerdReader: Yes, it's a sodium atom attached to a five carbon chain. Duh! As if anyone didn't know that!

AiryReader: (looks at AiryReader airily) Huh?

Her blood-temperature-water-giverer stepped back so that Alexi could see who it was. He had white-blonde hair, pointed features and that sneer that he wore looked so familiar. She couldn't place him, but -

ExcitedReader: (with hand up in the air, jumping up and down in seat) Oh, I can! I can! Pick me! Pick me! Pick meeeeeeee!

- there was no need to as he introduced himself.

"So sorry for our lack of hospitality, but you see, we had to make sure you were co-operative before we made you comfortable", his silky voice drawled out. "I am Lucius Malfoy and am here to assess you level of co-operation with us."

MovieGoingReader: _Someone_ has seen 'V For Vendetta'.

Author: If that is a thinly veiled reference to me, then you are mistaken. Although I wish I did.

SnarkyReader: Yeah, you wished you saw it with _somebody, _more like. (snicker)

Author: Oh shut up. (goes off to eat a bowl of ice-cream as she bitterly contemplates her sad loveless life)

(Hours of Self-Pity later)

Suddenly it dawned on Alexi. Malfoy. That creep that came onto her at her first night at Hogwarts. And that creep who proposed to her at the Halloween Ball. Now what the hell was that all about?

WonderingReader: I always wondered whether we were ever going to acknowledge those two chapters.

Author: Yeah, me too.

Anyway, this must be his father. The resemblance was uncanny. "I guess" she thought "that the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree."

UnsureReader: Ha har?

StupefiedReader: Why are there jokes in the middle of this scene? Particularly an unfunny one?

Author: I've lost my touch. (shoves ice-cream into her face and cries)

Alexi decided to play this for whatever it was worth, in order to save her skin.

"Malfoy, huh? I heard your ass got pretty badly whooped by Voldy when he came back two years ago. Tell me, do you still practise your clumsy excuse as to why you kept in hiding out of fear for the Ministry all those years? Or do you instead cry like a baby every time the Big Bad used his outside voice with you?"

AliasFan: Sloane or Jack could've done that better. AND they probably would've put some cleverly hidden reference referring to his mother that although would've been a cheap shot and therefore unworthy for the likes of Jack Bristow and Arvin Sloane, but would've been so worth it.

NonAliasFans: What the hell was she on about?

Alexi didn't know what made him angrier. The fact that she insulted his pride or the fact that she insulted his master. He worked to control his temper.

"Silence! I will not have this behaviour from the likes of you." He struck her face.

SqueamishReader: Ow!

"The likes of me? Watch who you're talking to. I'm the heir to Voldemort and therefore _your_ superior. You have absolutely no right to treat me in such an insolent manner. Release me at once!"

Unfortunately, Alexi's haughty-card did not work and Malfoy only grinned wolfishly.

"Oh, but I've been given orders to do this who is your superior." And with that someone entered the room. He came into Alexi's field of vision.

"Daddy?"

AliasFan: SHOUT OUT and RIP OFF!

Author: Okay, I really couldn't help it. I'm sorry to all of you NonAliasFans! I'll make it up in some way, I promise! I know! I'll post the next chapter immediately!


	15. The Dark Mary Sue Chapter 2

The Dark!MarySue chapter – Part 2

DISCLAIMER: J.J. Abrams would kick my ass if I didn't acknowledge him for his creation of Alias. Or else he would if he wasn't too busy trying to run away from Tom Cruise. Oh and J.K. Rowling deserves a mention too.

A/N: Researching Mary Sues is HARD WORK. My neck hurts and I feel like I want to throw up. I DON'T WANT TO READ MARY SUES ANYMORE! (sobs hysterically) Make it stop! Make it stop!

"Ah, my darling, it has been nearly 16 years since I last saw you. I must say that when I was destroyed that night, I missed you"

Alexi recoiled from this saccharine comment dripping with malicious sarcasm. He came up to her and held her face in his cold, pale hand.

"So beautiful" he hissed close to her face "just like her mother."

Alexi was fighting to contain her nausea when he finally backed away and gave her the space to breathe.

"Now my sweet, I would like to ask of you a small favour. Just a token of gratitude for my bringing you into this world and giving you the gift of life. Join me and together we will –

InquiringReader: Yeah, what IS Voldy's big game plan anyway? Destroy the Ministry? Then what? Take over England? Uh huh, then what? World domination? For what? So we know he was evil as a kid, evil as a teenager and REALLY evil as an adult. But why does he actually want to do all of these things? I mean what is the POINT?

SmartReader: There is probably a point in the sixth book somewhere that the Author has failed to remember. It was probably really good too and explained everything.

Author: Probably.

- create a new world order!"

AllReaders: (are pretty sure that that is not Voldy's big agenda)

It took all of Alexi's courage to turn her face towards him and look into those red pits of hell that were his eyes.

"No."

ExpectantReader: (disappointed) Aww, I was hoping for a cooler answer than that.

Author: Well, for the record, let's just say that she said it in a really stony and bad ass kinda way.

ExpectantReader: Ah, okay then.

Anger clouded his eyes as he stood up. He turned from her sharply and said over his shoulder. "You'll regret that child. But at least you'll be giving Lucius here some sport."

SquickedOutReader: Gross! That is really, really insanely gross.

BuddyOfSquickedOutReader: (Hiding behind hands) You're telling me!

Lucius stepped forward eagerly and Voldemort left the room. Alexi looked up at Malfoy defiantly as a gleeful smile crept onto his flushed face.

"I'm going to have so much fun" he said.

Author: Okay, Poll Time! (amidst yells of 'yay!') Torture chapter or no torture chapter? (Silence) I vote for no torture chapter because whenever I do write one (yeah, I've written one before) it sounds try-hard, tacky and totally unrealistic, like I'm glorifying pain which in some perverse sense of mine I guess I am.

AllReaders: (silence, a very long silence)

PsychiatristReader: (mutters) Masochist I tell you!

SaneReader: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE!

PipeUpReader: Will it be integral to the story?

Author: Yes.

SaneReader: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!

ClarificationReader: I think what she means is that will it further the relationship between Alexi and Harry? Because this is why we're here! The romance comes first, with the actual plotline, a distance second. And at the moment, it has been a dry spell of romance here!

Author: You're right. No torture chapter.

SaneReader: AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO REALISES WHAT EXACTLY YOU SICK BASTARDS ARE SAYING!

AllReaders: Yay!

HumanRightsReader: Why are we talking about such a gross and inhumane practice in such a light hearted way? You know that there are thousands of political activists around the world suffering from harrowing inflictions placed upon them, inflictions that no human should have to endure.

SpacedOutReader: We are the TV generation and are unfazed by violence as we see much worse in film. TV has disassociated us from the constraints of reality and as a result we are now impervious to the effects of brutality.

Author: So sad.

CuriousReader: Why does there even have to be one?

MasochisticReader: Abuse is hot.

CluedUpReader: Abuse is NOT hot, but EVERY Mary Sue has to have some sort of 'dark side' to her. Hence, these chapters.

The silence in the ReaderRoom, it be deafening.

(Artful fadeout as Lucius approaches Alexi with a very nasty looking metallic instrument in his hands. She looks fearful. He looks excited. Author is grossed out by her own grossness.)

WannabeWitchReader: Um, why would he have to use Muggle torture devices? Isn't a wand enough?

(Tumbleweed rolls across ReaderRoom. Whistling wind noises.)

RomanticReader: Hey, if it furthers the 'realistic' romance plotline, I'm all for it.

WannabeWitchReader: How can a horrible and traumatic situation like that possibly further a romantic plotline?

MasochisticReader: (opens mouth and obviously about to say something really obscene)

AllReaders: SHUT IT!

CynicalReader: No, I think MasochisticReader has a point there. No, not in that way! Alexi gets hurt and remains vulnerable and fragile for Harry to save! Who wouldn't want that?

SaneReaders: (puts hands in air. Then meekly lowers them.)

CynicalReaders: Damn straight.

Alexi lost track of time. Days or weeks could've passed without her knowing. Half of that time, she lay unconscious; a brief respite from the pain. Finally, the routine of horror and pain was interrupted when Voldemort came through the door again.

ScaredReader: Damn, that Voldy is COLD to let that happen to his kid.

"Have we changed our mind yet, my sweet?" he asked, towering above her. Alexi looked up through the congealed blood and bruised cheek that had made her eyes puffy.

VainReader: Ew! No, really ew. And what is with the grotesque use of detail?

PlacatingReader: Just be grateful that it didn't get into every single detail about how 'hard she found it to breathe. Every breath she took in was agony. Her muscles were screaming out in pain while her nerves ran raw.' Sickening stuff.

"Say I do join" she croaked. "What exactly will my job requirements be?"

Voldemort laughed at her careless manner. He knew how much it cost her to keep up a tough façade.

"Oh, my dear. You are a very big part of my plan. My big EVIL plan! You see –

AllReaders: EXPOSITION TIME!

- there is a legend involving the founders of Hogwarts -

KnowledgeableReader: Why am I not surprised? Will there ever be a good resolution to drawn out sagas that DO NOT involve prophecies or friggin' descendents?

FireflyFan: The answer to the whole Reavers thing explained in Serenity was pretty awesome.

KnowledgeableReader: Yeah, it was. (looks wistfully into the distance) That was a damn good payoff.

- wherein it states that in the war to end all wars of the magical world, those descendents of the four founders will be key players. To prevent all four from being on the same side, I sought your darling mother, who was the direct descendent of Rowena Ravenclaw. And as I am the direct descendent of the almighty Salazar Slytherin, well, it was all too perfect."

"You forced my mother to have your child so that you could manipulate me into fighting for you?" Alexi asked incredulously. "Tell me" she asked "why didn't you just murder her instead of making her …" Alexi's throat constricted and she could not go any further.

Her father looked down pityingly at her. "It all comes down to bloodlines, my sweet. The amalgamation of hers and mine would create, what would essentially be –

InterruptingReader: A SUPERCHILD!

- an extraordinary wizard. Or in this case, a witch."

InterestedReader: Is Voldemort a misogynist?

AnalysingReader: I'm going to go with yes.

InterestedReader: Ech.

Alexi took a moment to absorb this. "And what has happened to the other descendents?"

Voldemort took this opportunity to pace menacingly in front of her. "No doubt you have heard of Potter?"

LivingUnderARockReader: Who?

CynicalReader: Um, seriously?

"He is indeed Godric Gryffindor's heir. Hufflepuff's heir is a boy named Neville Longbottom."

AllReaders: WHAT!

ReaderWhoHasReadOotP: Can't say that that doesn't surprise me.

FanficReader: Doesn't surprise me either.

LogicalReader: You know that this doesn't work right! I mean Neville is in GRYFFINDOR!

CynicalReader: Yeah, and we all knew that Rowling intended Hufflepuff house to be irrelevant and full of a bunch of dozy people. I mean how can you take the name 'Hufflepuff' even seriously?

"After I have you on my side, Potter will die and the Longbottom boy will be easy to be disposed of. All the lines will end. Except for you, my child."

AnnoyedReader: Why is it that all evil bad guys must tell the good guys their Big Evil Master Plan?

CleverReader: Two words. Plot. Contrivance.

Author: Someday, I will write a story where that doesn't happen. Someday …

SavvyReader: Um, does Voldy really think that offing Harry AND Neville will be easy? I mean he's been trying to do it for 15+ years!

CleverReader: As I said. Plot. Contrivance.

Alexi bit back the horror and disgust that arose from his mocking tone. She had to get back and inform everyone of this. But how?

Voldemort took a moment to survey the Slayer in front of him –

Author: Hah, I betcha forgot about that part! Super Slayer powers! Remember that!

- before stooping and taking her face roughly into his hands. "So what is your answer my dear? Will you join us?"

Alexi took a moment to swallow the bile that was rising up her throat. She swallowed and said in a deathly whisper "the day I join your side will be the day hell freezes over."

JudgementalReader: 8.5 for delivery, 7 for appropriateness, 1 for creativity.

Voldemort sneered at her. "I thought you might need some more _persuasion_. Frankly, I'd be a little disappointed if my child didn't." At that he left and nodded to Lucius. Alexi re-focused her attention to the pale blonde man coming towards her. She had to get out of here. She didn't know how much of this she could take.

"Miss Winters, it really is a most appropriate offer. Do you really think that that old fool Dumbledore will actually win?"

ReadersWhoHaveReadHBP: (cries)

Alexi scoffed and retorted with "I would rather die fighting that lower myself to serving a repulsive master as you do." As she said this, the ring on her finger that Harry had given her –

AttentiveReader: Oh, I remember that!

- turned a bright red.

Lucius sneered at her as he picked up a rather sharp metal rod and heated it with his wand.

SqueamishReader: Could this GET any grosser?

Author: Yep.

AnnoyedReader: This is insane. (Sarcastically) Oh yes, the Mary Sue must always face some sort of horrific darkness and we, the mindless readers, will marvel at the way that she handles it oh-so-well with as many witty and 'tough girl' comebacks. Kill me. Kill me now.

CriticisingReader: They're not THAT witty.

"A pity Miss Winters. Oh well, more fun for me." As he approached her, something pale shot out from nowhere. It made for Lucius's leg and disappeared up his robe.

"Aargh!" was all Alexi heard before the man collapsed.

It was Larry!

AllReaders: What the hell?

InattentiveReader: Who?

Larry scurried over to Alexi and using his rather powerful chompers, took Lucius's wand in his mouth and released Alexi from her magical bonds.

"Wow, thanks Larry, for saving my life!" was all Alexi could say. I'm sure Larry would squeak back "you're welcome", but come on, he's a _rat._

ConfuzzledReader: …

ScaredReader: Any theories?

CynicalReader: The Author shot herself in the foot with this whole plot.

Author: HEY! I needed Voldy to reveal his big plan, and 'premonitions' have been done to death. Hmm, done to death …

Getting out of the warehouse wasn't too difficult due to her nifty power of invisibility. I'm sure I mentioned that somewhere. Anyway, she turned herself invisible (because she can just do that) and crept out of the warehouse. Once outside, in a relatively safe dark corner, she Apparated back towards Hogwarts.

HPFanaticReader: Despite not being old enough to Apparate and all. Just sayin'.

You know you want to review! Go on, give into curiousity.

**Anyadelacour** – YOU LIVE IN LONDON! (Am insanely jealous) Ooh, I wish I could still learn a language. Is this for school? The only reason I didn't was because there was only two choices – German and Japanese – and neither of them appealed to me much. Although I would have LOVED to learn French and Latin. Rats. Anyway, Alexi's last name is Winters, so that is her mother's last name. Because, really, having the last name Riddle would be WAY too obvious! Of course the boys love Alexi! She's a Mary Sue! All guys should lurve her!  
**La Thumbelina** – Did you notice the brief mention of the mood ring in this chap? Hee! And Larry returns!  
**theLostLyrics** – I'm trying to keep this as Mary Sue-ish as possible, but it's so HARD!  
**Buffy The Mary Sue Slayer** – Awesome name! Yeah, the readers ARE the voices in my head. They keep me company on lonely days. Thanks for the reviews!


	16. Chapter 16

A/N: The next chapter will not be updated so quickly because, well to tell you the truth, I've hit a dry spell of creativity. Yikes! I'm finding that I'm not bitter and angry enough to make fun of Mary Sues because I haven't been reading Mary Sue stories lately. Well, actually I have, but they're making my eyes, brain and neck hurt. I have MarySue-entitis.

It was near dawn when Alexi arrived outside the gates of Hogwarts. Trudging wearily and achingly up the long drive, millions of thoughts whirled around Alexi's head. Now that she was in possession of Voldemort's Big Evil Plan, she knew that she had to quickly get this information out to Dumbledore. Hurrying up the steps to the large oak doors, she made her way to Dumbledore's office, not noticing that she was leaving behind her a trail of blood.

SqueamishReader: Ew. How utterly macabre.

FetishReader: AND HAWT!

AllReaders: Can we ban this person? No, I mean really, there has to be some rule that says that you can't say those things. Anyone? Bueller?

ForeshadowingReader: (stage whisper) There might be something to this later on! Ahem, or not! (whistles innocently)

"Why does this place have so many stairs?" she muttered to herself –

SmartReader: Yeah, with all that 'magical' advantage that wizards have, why even bother with stairs?

CuriousReader: What would you like them to have?

SmartReaderWhoIsQuicklyTurningIntoNot-So-SmartReader: Uh … teleportation devices?

- when she heard footsteps behind her. Too pained to do anything about it, she kept going until she heard "Alexi!"

It was Harry.

UnfazedReader: Surprise surprise.

He supported her weak body with his strong manly man arms.

Author: Heh.

Alexi felt such a rush of gratitude and relief along with _something_ else at Harry's presence. Yes she was safe.

CluedInReader: Is she really? I mean Harry attracts more danger than anyone else!

Harry was horrified at Alexi's state. What had happened to her!

LoudReader: STUFF HAPPENED!

He tried to direct her to the Hospital Wing, but she protested. "No, must get to Dumbledore. Need to tell him …." Alexi struggled to continue but she was too weak. Because she's a GIRL. And VULNERABLE! And needs to be PROTECTED! Gah! Anyway, Harry understood the feeling, having felt the same thing in his fourth year. It was then that panic and fear set in. Could this have something to do with Voldemort?

LoudReader: YES!

Was it Voldemort who had done this to Alexi?

LoudReader: YUP! Okay, not really, but still.

AnnoyedReader: You know, you don't have to answer these questions. They're just Harry's thoughts.

LoudReader: I KNOW! Sorry (quietens down), I get excited.

Anger coursed through his veins as Alexi began to fade.

"No. Fight this Alexi" he whispered. Picking her light frame he took her to Dumbledore's office. "You're stronger than this."

CynicalReader: LAME!

DaydreamingReader: But that is why we read fanfic! For the cheesy lameness of it all!

Author: (sighs) I try to do my best.

Once in Dumbledore's office, Alexi opened her eyes and found herself in a nice cushy seat, so different from what she was on moments earlier. A goblet full of a minty refreshing drink was offered and she accepted it gratefully. She found that it suddenly cleared her mind and took away some of her pain. Dumbledore walked around his desk and sat behind it. Alexi took a deep breath and began to speak.

(The Readers take a break from the arduous task of reading. They eat nachos and sing karaoke. Mmm, nachos)

After her recount, Dumbledore nodded sagely. "Yes, I feared that Voldemort might go down this route. Dangerous and ambitious, but that was always how Tom did things. However, you need rest Alexi. You have done a most courageous thing and for this I am eternally grateful and proud."

IncensedReader: Grateful and proud? This man just sent her on a mission that nearly got her killed!

AttentiontoDetailReader: Did Dumbledore just switch from calling Voldy 'Voldemort' to 'Tom'?

Alexi sighed and sunk back. Too weak to do anything else, she passed out.

AllReaders: (take a chug)

TipsyReader: 1 sip for cheesy lines, 1 shot for mentions about 'tragic pasts', 1 giant gulp for 'witty' comebacks and a massive CHUG for passouts! It's fun! Hee!

Alexi woke in the Hospital Wing the next morning. She recognised its surroundings now. Opening her now, blissfully clear eyes, she turned and found Harry at her bedside. The worry on his face and the ardent joy that replaced it as he saw her wake up made her heart sing.

MusicalFanReader: The hiiiillllls are aliiiive with the soooound of muuuusic!

"I could get used to waking up with you next to me" she said to him.

CynicalReader Bahahahaha!

"Easy for you to say, you weren't here all night trying to ignore Madam Pomfrey's death glares."

Alexi giggled –

Author: Because she's a GIRL! And SWEET! And –

AllReaders: Shut up! We get the picture okay! You don't like the portrayal of weak women that need to be protected! Now, stop shoving it down our throats!

Author: Meep!

- and tried to sit up, ignoring Harry's protests. They began to speak of small trivial things, carefully avoiding the events of the day and night before. Ron and Hermione –

SideCharacterFan: Where the heck have they been?

MarySueExpert: Other characters are pointless in a Mary Sue story. Unless they serve some purpose in furthering the luuurve story, they're pretty much overlooked.

SideCharacterFan: Ah.

- were at classes, but had stayed up most of the night before with her. They had been talking for nearly two hours when the lunch bell rang.

"The time has certainly gone very quickly" remarked Alexi. "You should go get something to eat." Just as Harry was about to protest -

NitpickyReader: He does that a lot in this chapter doesn't he? I count three.

CynicalReader: You mean the Author's 'find' function found three.

NitpickyReader: Shut your pie hole.

- Madam Pomfrey appeared and after doing a quick check on Alexi's injuries, cleared her to be fit to go and have lunch down at the Great Hall.

OOCPatrolReader: Even Madam Pomfrey's character has been corrupted! When will the character mangling end?

Thankful for her super Slayer Healing Powers, Alexi walked down to the Great Hall with Harry who had unconsciously taken her hand. Alexi smiled inwardly at this.

HappyReader: Aw, sweet!

AngryReader: Where is Larry!

InattentiveReader: Who?

Harry and Alexi were able to make their way obscured to the Gryffindor without much attention raised towards them.

"Alexi!" Hermione ran towards her and hugged her friend. Ron would have done the same but you know, it's Ron. Instead Alexi smiled and took a seat next to him. Harry, looking adorably put off, sat opposite her.

NitpickyReader: Wouldn't that mean that he would have had to walk ALL the way to the end and come back up? Stupid system really, having a giant row of a table.

Just as Alexi began to steadily tell her other two best friends of what had happened to her –

PutOffReader: Yeah, like the middle of what is really a glorified school lunchroom is the best place to discuss super sensitive stuff.

SituationSavvyReader: It actually is, because no-one is listening!

- a blindingly painful headache descended on her.

"Aargh!" The pain was immense, so much so that Alexi sank to the floor holding her head in her hands. Needless to say, but the entire Hall's attention was now directed to her. All sounds ceased when Harry clambered over the table in a very Starsky and Hutch style to get to his woman.

WolfmotherFan: Woooman! Woo!

NonWolfmotherFan: Who the heck are Wolfmother?

WolfmotherFan: A really, really good band.

(This was a subliminal message brought to you by the Author to go out and listen to Wolfmother. Now! I command thee!)

"What is wrong? Talk to me!" Harry murmured. Without getting a response, Harry lifted Alexi's lithe frame –

SocietyConsciousReader: And yet we have ANOTHER reference of how slim, attractive, beautiful, etc the Mary Sue is. Yeah, because teenage girls need to be reminded of how inadequate they feel in the set standards of society. Bastards. I would like to see a fic with an unattractive lead character. Is that so hard to ask?

UnawareofRhetoricalQuestionReader: Yes, because then it is unbelievable. Guys only dig skinny chicks.

SocietyConsciousReader: Sigh.

- and carried Alexi out of the Hall, away from the students' gaping mouths and wide eyed stares back to their Common Room.

AstonishedReader: Isn't that like seven storeys up?

SwooningReader: But Harry is strong! And manly! Wheeee!

CynicalReader: Yeah, that and he probably used a charm, or the fact that he took a five minute break between the Charms and Transfiguration floors was artfully silenced.

Alexi continued to struggle, but Harry kept her secure in his arms. She slowly calmed to a frantic mutter, the words passing from her feverish lips not making much sense.

"Bunnies … donkey love … rip … swirling … mallet … silver ….urrrgh!"

He set her down into a comfortable sofa in the mercifully empty Common Room. Sitting by her, Harry murmured to Alexi until she finally quietened down. Her breathing slowed before she took a giant gasp and sat up that startled Harry.

"It's soon Harry. I've seen it. We have to be ready" she said breathlessly, her hand gripping Harry's painfully with panic in her eyes.

SuspensefulReader: Omigosh! What's happening! I want to know! I want to know nowwww!

AnnoyedReader: Oh yes, have a seizing fit in the middle of everyone. Attention seeker!

ConfusedReader: That was a seizing fit? I thought it was a pre-

Author: Stop! Shut up! That's for next chapter my lovelies!

**I LOVE SORA AND DANNY** – Animagus powers! Now why didn't I think of that? What do you think she should turn into?  
**Anyadelacour** – No I haven't seen Stormbreaker. What is it about? I'll watch it while eating my ice-cream and wallowing in my pit of self-pity. Ah, the trials and tribulations of being a teen! I live on the east coast of Australia, in a very beachy and touristy town. It's quiet and peaceful, but there's not much to do. Oh! I so wish that I could speak another language fluently! There was some fluffy and mushy stuff here, I'm just so uninspired at the moment as the MarySue research is not going too well. Thanks for your bi-lingual review! Oh, and in case I don't update before Aug 1, have fun at camp!  
**The Painted Lady** – Heey new reviewer! Thanks for the very nice review! Hope you keep reading!  
**Buffy The Mary Sue Slayer** – Hee about you and your friends' story. I will most definitely read it when I've done my schoolwork! Yeah, school's a drag. Who needs it? Anyways, I just realised – WHERE THE HELL HAVE FRED AND GEORGE BEEN IN THIS FIC! Argh! I love them! I shall have to put them in somewhere.  
**theLostLyrics** – YES! It was taken from both the first episode of S1 (in the underground parking fight) and the last (Irina's "Mom?"). I'm so nerdily obsessed!


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: So sorry for the total lack of updates. Suffering from severe writer's block is a bitch.  
A/N2: So sorry for the total non-funniness of this chapter.**

Previously on Mary Sue at Hogwarts -

"It's soon Harry. I've seen it. We have to be ready" she said breathlessly, her hand gripping Harry's painfully with panic in her eyes.

"Huh?" Harry replied dumbly.

EasilyAmusedReader: Hee!

"Voldemort! He's getting ready to attack!" Alexi replied fearfully before collapsing in a beautiful, elegant and graceful heap.

Harry, sufficiently freaked out, looked around the Common Room for help. What was happening? About to take Alexi to the Hospital Wing, Harry was spared this arduous task when Dumbledore suddenly appeared at the door.

"Harry, are you okay? Is Alexi okay?" he asked as he hurried over to where the two kids were.

"I'm fine sir, but Alexi had a, I don't know what and she just passed out" mumbled Harry.

"Did she say something before she passed out?" asked Dumbledore shrewdly. Harry, all too familiar with his Headmaster's ways, answered. "Yes, she said that she saw something and that something was coming" he took a big breath before he continued. "She said that Voldemort was getting ready to attack!"

BoredReader: Okay, bored now. I want mushy stuff! Not a plot! I don't look for a plot when I read a Mary Sue?

QuestioningReader: Why do the two have to be mutually exclusive?

BoredReader: Ah, because Mary Sues are self-inserts? And Mary Sue is usually synonymous with "crap waste of space?"

QuestioningReader: Indeed.

The tension in the room was so thick that it could have been cut with a knife. A big knife. Dumbledore took a moment to register this.

"Harry, what you just heard Alexi say must stay between us. Now, I'm going to take Alexi to Madam Pomfrey. You may come with us if you like, or you can go back to your classes." Seeing the disgusted look on Harry's face at the latter suggestion, Dumbledore's eye twinkled. "But perhaps no-" However, he was interrupted when Alexi began to stir.

"I'm okay, really. Don't want to go to Hospital Wing" mumbled Alexi.

"Miss Winters" Dumbldore said softly. "How are you feeling? Are you strong enough to walk to my office to discuss what just happened?" On receiving assent, Dumbledore let Harry support Alexi in his arms as the three of them went to the Headmaster's office.

"Now Miss Winters, you must recall exactly what you saw. It is the utmost of importance" said Dumbledore kindly when all three were settled. Alexi took a big breath and was about to start when WHOOOSH! Out of nowhere was came a giant puff of air as something landed on Dumbledore's desk. Leaning forward to gain a better look at it, Alexi saw a pale something. Something that looked familiar as belonging to –

"LARRY!" she screamed.

For it was indeed Larry's pale, furless paw. Dashing towards the desk, Alexi stood shocked and horrified as well as all the Readers.

Wasn'tExpectingThatReader: DUDE!

"What does this mean Professor?" she asked breathlessly, close to tears at what had happened to her poor beloved friend. "We must go and save him! Stage a rescue mission! He could still be alive! Who sent this? What do they want?" asked Alexi frantically, the questions coming thick and fast.

"Calm down Alexi" Dumbledore replied. "Please, sit down." Dumbledore sighed heavily before continuing. "I am sorry for what has happened to your … friend. It is a most cruel thing to have befallen him."

Alexi, tears silently coursing down her face, was comforted by Harry next to her.

"You must understand, both of you that this is a message from Lord Voldemort. You see, in the wizarding world –

AlertReader: Plot-contriving-made-up-stuff time!

- when an enemy sends a rat's paw, it means that they are ready to do battle. The rat paw is a signal and will lead us to where the last stand is to take place." Dumbledore finished gravely.

AllReaders?

CynicalReader: Do I detect a whiff of scared end-of-story no-idea-enitis?

Alexi couldn't say anything, so devastated was she. Harry grasped her hand and noticed that her ring was glowing blue, to reflect her sadness inside.

"So what happens now?" Harry asked.

"We fight."

With that, Dumbledore stood up and went over to the fire place. Using his Super Dumbledore Powers, he summoned the rest of the Order. One by one, they all came whooshing out of the fireplace.

Out from the fireplace there came -

(Scene suddenly changes into a cheesy 80's dating-style-Perfect-Match-kinda-game show)

Lupin!

LupinFans: Yay!

Fred and George!

AllReaders: WOOOOOO! Yay! Fred and George! Fred and George! (Much screaming to be heard. A few boisterous fights are breaking out)

CrazyFangirl: I LOVE YOU FRED AND GEORGE! MARRY MEEEEE! Eeee!

Harry's godfather, Sirius!

AllReaders: Yaaaaay! Wooo! Wait! (Record screeches)

FanWhoHasReadOotP: Um, isn't he dead?

Author: Yeah, you're right. Sorry, scratch that last bit out.

SiriusFans: NOOOOO! (leave huffily)

Mad-Eye Moody!

(Silence)

I said, Mad-Eye Moody!

(More silence followed by a cough in the background and some plastic being rustled around)

LoneMad-EyeFan: Woo?

And the rest of the Order who totally have names that unfortunately has escaped my bad memory!

AllReaders: WOOOOOO!

(Scene changes back to Dumbledore's mysterious and sombre office)

"Thank you my friends for answering my call so quickly" Dumbledore addressed the new dozen or so people that were now in his office. "I have grave news to tell you. Please take a seat." At that, Dumbledore conjured up magical chairs for everyone. Each chair magically changed in order to suit its occupier. Fred and George's seat were both poof-y, red and yellow monstrosities, decorated with rubber chickens and trick wands that –

ConfusedReader: Um, what the hell?

CynicalReader: Yes, I would like to interject my professional opinion here. You see, one day, the Author found a fic (she will not say if it was good or bad) that went into lengthy detail about _chairs_. "Chairs!" she thought, "chairs, really!" So in order to do some delightful mock-age, she has added said lengthy descriptions here.

KeepingTrackReader: But doesn't the Author hate lengthy descriptions, even if it's for the sake of the parody?

CynicalReader: Yes.

(Awkward silence)

KeepingTrackReader: So what now?

- complemented the twins' personalities perfectly. Lupin's chair was of a bfgwaehbrcreutweucioedrerb 49075 49-213 4 poew;/qo QP9WUE 93 R7842HFYR CHFRSQUIDHEATERHIEBC8486388yewuqidhieargtiewr-4395 ….

Author: Cant. Make. Me. Do. It. I. Won't! Aargh!

(Burly officials approach menacingly and try to handcuff the Author: Author makes a desperate dash for freedom but is tasered down. Burly officials drag Author's limp, not-so-graceful, not-so-lithe body in front of a judge at the Mary Sue High Court)

MarySueHighCourtOfficial: This is the second time that you have refused to write a necessary Mary Sue type description. We charge you for the negligence of your Readers' enjoyment. Lady Lola Bert, how do you plead?

Author: (meekly) Guilty, your honour.

MarySueJudge: Then this case is settled. Your punishment would be to write an innuendo filled Mary Sue lemon at the end of your story in order to satisfy the criteria of a Mary Sue story.

Author: NOOOOOO! Aaargh!

Ahem.

"Now, I would like to introduce you to the young lady who has alerted us to this very important news. Everyone, meet Alexi Winters." At that, Dumbledore indicated the shaken young girl.

"Hello" she said demurely as everyone turned to look at her. She was absolutely stunning; her shiny dark hair reflected the light of the room while the flecks of red highlights caught the sun's rays and sparkled. Yes, you heard right, her hair sparkled. Her perfect, pale, blemish free complexion was accentuated by her rosy lips that seemed to be forever poised to be kissed and yada yada yada, we know what Alexi looks like-cakes. Both Fred and George's breaths caught at the sight of her. As soon as they saw into her mysterious eyes, they knew that they were both in love with her.

ExasperatedReader: COME ON! Not this again!

Fred and George, being relatively close in age to Alexi, could be excused for having an instant sexual attraction to the girl. The same could not be said of the other members of the Order.

AgeAppropriateReader: Um, ew!

Dumbledore continued. "A few nights ago, Alexi was taken captive by Lord Voldemort –" at the shocked gasps from the people around the room, Dumbledore paused. Everyone turned to look to look at Alexi with newfound respect, while Fred, George's and a few others (who shall remain nameless, but you can make it anyone you like. See, I'm not discriminating against Lupin/OC fans! (mutters) No matter how repulsive you guys are. (ducks rotten tomatoes and flying cows. Runs away screaming from a fiery death)) gazed longingly at the _underage_ witch with a certain glint in their eyes.

"Alexi managed to escape, and to bring us the plans that Voldemort revealed to her. You see Voldemort is planning to –"

(Insert exposition we already know. Yes, the Big Evil Plan)

CleverReader: Isn't the fact that Alexi is Voldy's heir somewhat, er, important here?

CynicalReader: Ah, once again, the Author has managed to overlook a major plot hole.

Author: Cram it! Okay (thinks real quick) let's just say that Dumbledore already told the rest of the crew that _ages_ beforehand. Like before start-of-the-school-year beforehand (thinks a bit more). FINE! Here's an excerpt of Dumbledore's speech.

"Alexi is the heir to Voldemort." Alexi was fearful that the Headmaster would reveal her Tragic Dark Past to these strangers and when he finally did, was surprised at the lack of outcry and pitchfork-flaming-torch wield-age. Instead, all the Order members looked as they already knew. But how? Then it dawned on her –

SnickeringReader: And on the Author.

- that Dumbledore must have told them. And of course, Dumbledore knew everything. But still, he had no right to share her personal details with others. She breathed out huffily and noticed her ring turning orange, a sign of annoyance.

(Some more exposition later)

"And then, only moments before, the Rat's Paw was sent to us." At that, a fearful shudder went around the room. If there was a wizarding equivalent of the little dance that Pintel, Ragetti and Gibbs did in the second Pirates of the Caribbean movie to ward off the evil of the Black Spot, I'm sure that more than a few of them there would have done it. Although, there would be no way in hell that I could come up with as smart as a joke that followed said dance.

NonPOTCFans: What?

Author: Okay, seriously, if you haven't seen the movie. Get out (points at door). Get out now. Get out there and go to the cinema and see it dammit! And take me with youuuu!

"Yes, we must PREPARE FOR BATTLE!" finished Dumbledore magnificently. It was, to say the least, a very rousing speech and immediately, a few wizards stood up and brandished their wands sword-like.

"YAAAR!"

"But first!" Dumbledore tried to regain control "We must rally the others. Tonight is the night and we will meet Voldemort in war."

For the first time in a long while, Harry, ever curious, piped up.

"Where?"

The room became silent as Lupin spoke. "At the ancient wizarding battlefield where the four founders initially fought each other nearly 2000 years ago."

Author: (stands up and waits for applause arrogantly)

UnimpressedReader: Oh please, seen it. Move on!

Lupin elaborated at both Harry and Alexi's confused looks. "It is a place that is protected by magic of course, no Muggles can get anywhere near it."

SarcasticReader: Oh, of _course_!

At this, Dumbledore began to set the pieces in motion. Delegating tasks to each of the Order members, Dumbledore moved swiftly and purposefully while the two could only watch in wonder. They knew they were both ready for this. For Alexi, she had been training for her entire life for this, while for Harry, he knew that this was his destiny and that it was his fate to end Voldemort. Finally, Dumbledore made it to the two of them.

"Harry, Alexi, you two are to return to your Common Rooms as if nothing has happened. You will get word from me when to return to my office." They both quickly assented to this and left.

**A/N: I am so definitely NOT writing a lemon. However, I felt that no Mary Sue is complete without one, so if anyone is interested in writing one for me, I'd be happy to join forces. **

**TheLostLyrics** – Hope you're still reading this! Okay, seriously, I really didn't think that 'donkey love' would really have that much of an effect as to warrant an actual mention!

**Anyadelacour** – DUDE! Just saw a magazine article on the movie 'Stormbreaker' and DUDE, is it wrong that I would willingly have Alex Pettyfer's children? Unfortunately, movie is not out yet here in Australia, but holy crap, DUDE, HAWT! Ahem, how did your camp go?

**Aya-dono** – Sorry for lack of Snape. He doesn't seem to be in the picture much does he?

**Buffy The Mary Sue Slayer** – Aw, sucks about your friend's fanfic getting taken down for no reason. I had that happen to me like three times.

**Moongrave.Wings** – Thanks for the abundance of reviews! You rocketh my worldeth! Good point about the shiny hair equals oily hair. I guess the fact that she's a Mary Sue, she kinda transcends that logic. Hmm, I'm pretty sure I explained why Alexi blacked out when she entered that warehouse. In any case, it happens with alarming frequency in MS fics because, well the writers are usually so busy trying to make up contrived situations to get their character and the male lead in bed that such details like that are left by the wayside. OH! You found Ethel Moonshine in the form of a sickening cute figurine at a 98 cent store? (Makes mental note) Must get to 98 cent store ASAP. Thanks for thinking of me! (Or rather, of Ethel).


	18. Chapter 18

A/N: DUDE! No I'm not dead, and yes I do intend for this Mary Sue to have a proper ending, despite the fact that that never happens in MS stories. So sorry for the uber late updates. Year 12 is hard stuff.

**Previously on "Mary Sue at Hogwarts"**

Some bad things happened. If you don't remember what, then go and read the previous chapter!

"What is going on Harry?" Hermione asked fearfully when both he and Alexi came back from Dumbledore's office. The four of them settled themselves into a deserted corner of the Common Room while Harry and Alexi explained the day's events.

(All Readers take a break while Harry does some useless exposition-ing. Margaritas are served along with some marshmallows and tacos. According to WeirdTasteReader, the three make a rather good combination)

"Blimey!" Ron exclaimed when the two of them finished, running a hand through his hair. "So it's come to this has it? Full scale warfare? And the prophecy? Crikey!"

AwareReader: Erm, I know that the Author is trying to make this fic as authentic as possible, or whatever, but the bad Britishisms? Gah! And I'm pretty sure the work "Crikey!" is only uttered by nutso people who hunt crocodiles _for a living_ and are on CRACK.

DisgruntledReader: Hey, Australian, British, it's all the same to these lazy 'murricans.

Hermione looked tense and frightened. Alexi quickly went over to her and gave her a reassuring hug. "It's going to be all right Hermione. I know it. Dumbledore is not making us do anything." At that, Alexi glanced meaningfully at Harry as they both knew that they were going to fight, no matter what. Sensing this glance, as Hermione always does, she shook herself and said steadily "I don't care. I'm going to fight too. For my friends." Ron shared the same cheesy sentiments, but with a few more British colloquialisms that I have no idea about. Charged with a strange sense of heroism –

SnarkyReader: And suicidal tendencies.

- the quartet silently promised to look out for each other in the oncoming battle.

Just as they were about to launch into an in depth discussion of what the next few hours would hold, something buzzed in Alexi's mind. It was a message, from Dumbledore.

/ It is now time for you to join us in my office /

Alexi relayed this message to the others and they quickly ran to the Headmaster's office.

WonderingReader: If a giant war is about to erupt, shouldn't the other students know about it?

SnarkyReader: If a giant war is about to erupt, why the hell are the KIDS involved in it?

When the quartet arrived at Dumbledore's Office, only their Headmaster remained as the rest of the Order had left to complete their tasks. Dumbledore looked weary, but snapped to attention when he saw them. "Ah, it is time" was all he said before waving his wand in front of his desk in an impressive manner. From the end of his wand shot out a sparkling blue stream that glimmered as it suspended in the air. Dumbledore traced the outline of a door that when finally joined, emitted a bright flash - a flash so bright that caused them all to look away. When the light subsisted, what they saw made them gasp. For the outline was no longer just an outline anymore, but an actual door and what they could see on the other side was not Dumbledore's desk, but a barren landscape. Dumbledore looked back at the four and said gravely.

"You have a choice. But you must understand the consequences of it. By going through this door, you may not live to come back."

With the full weight of this sentiment, Harry and Alexi joined hands and walked through bravely. Ron and Hermione followed without a moment's hesitation before Dumbledore himself stepped through the door behind them.

What lay in front of them was unlike anything any of them had ever seen.

Author: Although I'm pretty sure all of our gorgeous Readers have seen the like of it somewhere or other. Just watch any Hollywood sci-fi movie and you'll know what I mean. If not, read any fantasy book and I'm sure that they'll describe some horrible parallel universe where the protagonists must rescue/find something/someone loads better than me.

The land in front of them was uniformly dark and lifeless with the sky and the landscape indistinguishably meshing into a hazy blur. The sky itself gave a sinister, red glow that illuminated, yet also sucked life from their surroundings. It was truly a place of death.

Looking around, Alexi saw the rest of the Order members, along with hundreds of other witches and wizards, all prepped and ready for Dumbledore's orders.

"Wizards and witches! My friends! Now is the hour that …" On and on Dumbledore went on in a very rousing pre-battle speech that was highly reminiscent of Aragorn's in the final Lord of the Rings movie that nobody probably knows about because they were probably asleep by then or outside having a snack. Anyway, Dumbledore's speech really revved everyone on to sacrifice their lives. Moving stuff.

In a convenient moment when Dumbledore finished his speech, sans horse, a rumbling could be heard. In the distance marched hundreds upon hundreds of Death Eaters. The Order quickly set themselves up into wizard battle formation, whatever that may be. The tension was palpable. Harry, Ron, Hermione and Alexi all looked at each other reassuringly, each of them fixing the other's faces in their minds, lest this would be the last time they see each other. The Death Eaters began to charge towards them quicker and quicker. The first attack was launched suddenly, but was quickly held back by a giant protective dome that Dumbledore had conjured up. Unfortunately, however, this was not strong enough to repel the next attack. And so it began.

As we really have no idea what a true wizard battle would look like, you can all imagine it for yourselves. But I'm going to think it would be much like the fight that took place at the Department of Mysteries in OotP. Lots of one on one duels. So yeah, I'm lazy and uninspired. But not lazy enough to detail Alexi's fight in excruciating detail!

Alexi's heartbeat quickened as adrenaline rushed through her body. Yes, she was scared, but she harnessed that fear and turned it into anger. She was trained to battle as a child and this was it. Looking over at Harry, she smiled before launching into the attack.

"YAAAAAR!"

(Cue grunge-y emo-ish music that always goes along with these gory fight scenes. I'm currently listening to "Bad Boyfriend" by Garbage. You?)

Turning her wand into a cool lightsaber, she zwinged and zwanged her way through the crowd, while the others looked at her like she was nuts. Why would you be using a weapon that required you to get within a metre of your opponent instead of using a curse? The answer was simple, it looked so much more cooler. Realising that this was probably not the best way to go, Alexi turned her lightsaber back into a wand and used it like the others did. Curse after curse she placed on her hooded opponents. Her shiny hair flipping in the dark light while her lithe body dodged hexes and jinxes. But then she was suddenly trapped amongst the enemy. She had gone too far into the enemy's side, and there was not a member of the Order anywhere to be seen. She looked around and saw countless bodies around her. There was so much death. Hope failed within her for a second as she realised that this may be the end of her. But focusing on the task at hand, with all the Death Eaters slowly surrounding her, she summoned all her strength. Taking the few precious split seconds to breathe in and centre herself, she felt her ancient power well within her. The ancient houses of Slytherin and Ravenclaw rose within her body, ready to be unleashed. When the power rose to an unbearable level, Alexi spread her arms wide and released the energy in a fierce bolt that knocked the surrounding Death Eaters out.

DisbelievingReader: (Jaw drops as well a few bits of taco out of said jaw) WTF! WTF!

PlacatingReader: Okay, relax peoples, Super Ancient Powers remember? Just remember, we're almost at the end!

Alexi collapsed to her knees from this ordeal. She did not know that she had this much power and in harnessing it, it took a lot out of her. But suddenly, a whirlwind appeared in front of Alexi and out of it stepped her father. Feeling utterly weak and powerless, Alexi fell to the ground.

"Tut tut. Poor thing. Yada yada yada, evil I'm going to kill you-cakes even though it makes no sense to the plot whatsoever blah blah blah."

Yep, that's exactly what Voldemort said. To the word. He then drew back his wand, about to cast the deadly Avada Kedavra curse on his OWN CHILD, some really cold shit. There was not much that Alexi could to do. She was in definitely what we would call here in the ficdom 'Dire Straights.'

"Avada – " began Voldemort, but it was another voice that yelled out "KEDAVRA!" Voldemort never got to finish his curse as he suddenly fell to the ground, revealing an exhausted Harry standing behind him with his own wand drawn.

"Harry!" Alexi cried in joy, for indeed, Harry had just killed Voldemort in the most anti-climatic way possible. I mean, he did it while Voldy's back was turned for goodness' sake!. And yeah, I know that Voldy's evil and all and deserves death in any way shape or form, but Harry's supposed to be all noble and stuff and well, that was really OOC for Harry. Anyway, back to the story, Voldemort's body, instead of lying prone like any other dead body began to glow. Suddenly the ground beneath him fell away and Voldemort was sucked into a whirling mass of energy and light. What was going on? Harry ran over to Alexi and pulled her to her feet.  
"Come on!" he yelled as the hole in the ground widened. Alexi painfully stood up and began to run away.

It was then that it struck Alexi. It was her. She was the answer.

PreppyReader: Con-cei-ted!

ConfusedReader: What? The answer to what? Huh?

PlacatingReader: Easy there, remember we need a contrived ending. Oh god, when is this going to end?

It had to end with her. She slowed to a complete stop and Harry turned to look at her.

"What is it Alexi?" he asked breathlessly, impatient and fear tainting his voice.

"It's me" she replied distantly, her eyes not quite focusing. "It has to end with me, don't you see?" She looked up into Harry's eyes and only saw confusion.

Author: In the unedited version, Harry bitchily bites back "No I don't see, now come on! This story is about to end and we STILL haven't had hot monkey sex. Come on!" But yeah, contrived romantic non-endings are a must!

"I have to finish this. If I die, then two lines of the ancient houses die along with me. I'd be killing two birds with one stone" she said faintly.

Harry could not believe what he was hearing.

SnootyReader: Could he not? Oh please, heroic, self-sacrificing Mary Sues are to be found everywhere!

Then it finally dawned on him. "You are not going to die Alexi. No, I won't allow you to give up like this, there has to be another way." He was close to tears.

SensitiveReader: Aw, who doesn't like a SNAG?

21stCenturyReader: And who actually uses that acronym anymore? The 90's just called, they want their loser back!

SensitiveReader: Hey!

"No there isn't Harry. I have to end this prophecy." Alexi replied gently and at Harry's protests, took his face into her hands and held him close. "It has to be like this" she whispered. "I love you Harry." Neither of them could speak for the tears obscuring each of their vision.

SpacedOUtReader: Dude, can anyone even remember the prophecy?

AnnoyedReader: NONE OF THIS IS MAKING ANY SENSE!

"I just found you Alexi. I can't lose you."

"I know. But this is how it has to be." She pulled him towards him and laid a gentle kiss on his lips.

"We'll find each other. We always do."

AggravatedFan: RIP OFF!

Author: From what? If you can't figure out from what, it doesn't count. Ha!

With that Alexi pushed Harry roughly away and in a scene extraordinarily reminiscent of Buffy's season five finale, ran towards that hole in the ground and threw herself in. Why she did it, no-one really knows, not even the Author.

"I LOVE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!"

DisbelievingReader. WTF! What. The. Fudge?

AnnoyedReader: No sense, no sense whatsoever.

SlowOnTheUptakeReader: Dude, did Alexi just DIE!  
DisbelievingReader: Yup.

SlowOnTheUptakeReader: Dude.

AnnoyedReader: Yeah.

DisbelievingReader: So was that, like, the ending?

**A/N: No, that wasn't the ending. Harry and Alexi still have to have Hot Monkey Sex! If anyone is still interested in writing a really bad lemon for me, please contact me either through the review system or through a message. If not, you'll be subjected to a hilariously bad lemon from me! And no-one wants that right? RIGHT!**

**Moongrave.Wings** – Thanks for the 'glomp' of cookie dough! It is muchly appreciated. In reply to your question, Harry didn't take Alexi to the Hospital Wing because she's been there too many times. And because it would make sense.  
**Nerd's United** – DUDE! You're back! Hope you're back from your vacation by now. A lemon is basically a gratuitous sex scene. Pretty hilarious really since most of them are written by teeny boppers who have NO IDEA WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT. Not that I do, but hey, you don't see me writing lemons do you? It's good that your obsession with POTC is making you take an interest in history! Hahaha. Modern history is actually my fave subject at school. Have I reviewed your fics yet? If I haven't then I'm very sorry because I have a crap load of homework. But I have read them! I especially like your self-insert one and how unabashedly MS-y it is. Hey, at least you're up front about it right?  
**Anyadelacour** – Me and a good buddy of mine plan to see Stormbreaker when it comes out in mid Spetember. Yes, it has always been my secret fantasy to be a teenage spy … Thank you for sacrificing BB for my fic. That really means a lot as I know how devoted some people can be to BB. I, myself, am not a fan, as, well, google the words "Australian Big Brother" and "turkey slapping" and you'll see why. Your reviews are always lovely. Have fun in France you lucky thing you!  
**Epobbp** – Thanks for the review! Hope you're still reading this!


	19. Chapter 19

**A few months after the ordeal.**

Alexi was gone. She was really gone. Life continued as usual at Hogwarts while the rest of the magical world was reeling from the crazy shock that Voldemort, evil oppressor, was actually gone. For the Hogwarts students and staff, many were grieving the loss of the beautiful, brave and heroic Alexi Winters.

DisbelievingReader: You mean EVERYONE else came away unscathed? That is just so … gah!

2CentsReader: Convenient? Yes, as this leaves everyone to grieve only for Alexi. The other characters are just plainly, quite pointless in Mary Sue stories.

Harry was walking silently across the grounds alone, in silent contemplation. Ever since the death of his soulmate and therefore a part of his heart, he had been withdrawn from everyone and utterly grief stricken. He had taken to going for long walks around the Hogwarts grounds and had found his own private spot for some silent contemplation.

(Some Reader coughs)

Author: I said SILENT DAMMIT!

Making his way up a long hill, his mind continually went through the happy months he had spent with Alexi. Obviously, this didn't go on for very long as they had probably spent a total of three hours in each other's company, so whatever. Finally reaching his vantage point, he looked out at the spectacular view. From this point, Harry could see for what seemed like miles and miles of the beautiful clear Lake and the surrounding mountains.

It was peaceful and Harry sat to do some contemplation. Silently. Making it silent contemplation. Heavy and deep stuff.

"Harry?" said a voice from behind him. At first Harry started but didn't turn around for he knew who that voice belonged to as he had been hearing it inside his head for the past few months.

SadReader: Aww, poor crazy Harry!

"Harry?" Yes, it was her again, this time more persistent.

"Please, turn around and look at me" pleaded the voice. Harry finally turned.

And there in front of him was the most beautiful sight he had ever beheld. It was his beloved Alexi. Her clear perfect skin contrasted sharply with her dark, luxurious hair.

"Is this real?" Harry breathed as he stood and walked over to her. Taking her into his arms he kissed her most passionately and ardently, the loneliness and desolation that had filled his soul since that night evaporating away as their lips met. She responded just as fervently, her slim body trembling from desire. Finally breaking away, Harry rested his forehead against Alexi's.

"How can this be?"

Alexi giggled. "I guess death wasn't ready for me."

Harry took her again and blah blah blah. Yeah, the 'blah blah blah' signifies the Hot Monkey Sex they had. And since no one took me up on writing one for me, and the fact that I will NOT write one, you can all get your minds INTO the gutter and imagine one yourselves. But in case you're wondering, it went a little like this –

"Oh Alexi!"

"Oh Harry!"

"I love you!"

"I love you too"

(Smooch smooch)

(More smooching)

(MORE smooching)

"Uh, Harry?"

"Yes?"

"Ummmm"

"Oh, right. Sorry, that has never happened before."

"Right"

"Um"

(Bamp chika bamp bamp music plays appropriately in Reader Room)

After the somewhat awkward and thoroughly hilarious consummation of their love, the two of them lay in each others arms.

"I'll love you forever Alexi."

"I know."

And with that, Alexi had finally found her place in life. Her past was absolved and she could look forward to being happy for the rest of her days.

GradingReader: Hmm, I'd give that a B-. Not great but not bad either.

SatisfiedReader: Hear hear!

THE END!

**A/N: Yes kids, that WAS the ending! Thank you so much for reading and brightening up my lonely life with your reviews! I know it lost a little steam at the end, but I was so uninspired and I practically FORCED myself to finish the darn thing. If I ever do decide to re-write this thing (unlikely), the ending will be changed drastically. To make it funnier and I guess more Mary Sue-ish, whatever that means. I have no idea what my next project will be, but I have been toying with the idea of writing a huge (romance, not a parody!) Draco/Hermione epic. Yes, I'm a secret Dramione (is that what we call ourselves?) shipper! I confess! Keep a lookout! Fare thee well gentle readers!**

**Anyadelacour** **- **Americans probably do see Aussies and Brits as pretty much the same, I wouldn't know because I'm not American, I'm just pretending to be one for this fic. Because whoever heard of an _Australian_ witch going to Hogwarts? Really! Anyway, I can assure you that Australians DO NOT spend every waking moment BBQ-ing! Because if that were the case, we wouldn't have the time to drink beers and hunt down kangaroos! j/k! OXFORD STREET! Dude! Yes, that definitely rings some bells. Big giant jealousy bells! Damn you! Hate! Hate! Okay, I don't hate you, I love you. But still. Grrr. Have fun going back to school!  
**Nerd's United** – Wilbur Smith eh? Oh you! Good to know that you're still reading this! Your loyalty has earned you some cotton candy (fairy floss). Yum!  
**Buffy The Mary Sue Slayer – **Thanks for the continued read-age! Can't believe I killed off Larry! And I didn't even give him a glorified death scene! How could I!  
**CrypticPassword** - Heeeey, new reviewer! You know what, I actually really wanted to write with bad grammar for the whole thing, but that stuff makes my eyes hurt and it really peeves people off. That is so true that MS writers always do that! A lemon is basically a gratuitous sex scene that is overly described using lots and lots of adjectives. I'm sure you've read one before. Have no idea why they are called lemons, they just are.


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